Some Jokes for the long weekend!

POTFH

Ahhh, old age....

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he replies "sex"."

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fool, you couldn't get it up if I held a Gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood.

Then one night Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the senior where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?!?"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

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POTFH

Here is another one:

Go Git Yo Momma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old
lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son,"Boy, go git yo momma.... "

POTFH

* The First Affair*
There was a middle-age couple that
had two stunningly beautiful teen-age
daughters. The couple decided to try one
last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying,
the wife became pregnant and, sure enough,
delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son. He took one
look and was horrified to find the
ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there
was no way that he could be the
father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered," he cried. Then he gave her
a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

*The Second Affair*

A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schultz,
he made an amazing discovery: Schultz had
the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schultz," said the mortician,
"but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge
private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity...." And with that the coroner
used his tools to remove
the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed
his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that
you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed. "Schultz is dead!"

*The Third Affair*

A woman was in bed with her lover when
she heard her husband opening the
front! door. " Hurry!" she said
"Stand in the corner!" She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted
him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered."
Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for
us, too."
No more was said about the statue,
not even later that night when they went
to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later
with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths' for three days, and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."

*The Fourth Affair*

A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender.
"That'll be 1 cent.."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu and asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender,
"but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his
business."

*The Fifth Affair*

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky,
was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his!
&nb sp;side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice,
"I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all
right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky.
I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly.
"That's why I poisoned you."

POTFH

Gentle Thoughts for the Day

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"

Kermitologist

POTFH

Excelent

Some of these look awfully familar Wink

POTFH