|
|
wanttorun100
Member
|
|
|
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
Posts: 4946
Location: Just to the right of Atilla the Hun!
|
| Back to top
|
|
 Posted: 10/12/06 - 16:47 Post subject: chilli contest
Recently Cappy was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and Cappy happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. He was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told him he could have free beer during the tasting, so he accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 RobP's Maniac Monster Chili...
Jacked Up --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Purple Hayes -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Cappy -- What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Ranger's Afterburner Chili...
Jacked Up -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Purple Hayes -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Cappy -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Keltics's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Jacked Up -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Purple Hayes -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Cappy -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. J1miller pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Gretreiver's Black Magic...
Jacked Up -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Purple Hayes -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Cappy -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? J1miller, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 JUJR's Legal Lip Remover...
Jacked Up -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Purple Hayes -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Cappy -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. J1miller saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Blue's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Jacked Up -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Purple Hayes -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.
Cappy -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Mech's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Jacked Up -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Purple Hayes -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Cappy. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Cappy -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karleen's Curling Chili yah hey
Jacked Up -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Purple Hayes -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Cappy farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Cappy -- Oh God.........
Last edited by wanttorun100 on 10/12/06 - 17:48; edited 4 times in total
|
