'lets just be friends...'
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cherylpf
crazy cat lady
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 Posted: 06/16/03 - 12:38 Post subject: 'lets just be friends...'
Thats usually followed by "its not you, its me" right? 
I had random encounters with two different ex-boyfriends yesterday  (near misses actually) and I was just wondering (if any of you marrieds can remember single life ) is it really possible to be friends with an ex? On one hand you know a lot about each other and obviously had enough in common to date for a while.... but on the other, wouldn't it bring up old feelings and thus issues, esp. for the one dumped?
Side note: I was the ender of the relationship with both of guys I saw yesterday...and I'll almost definitely be encountering one again so I do need to know how to handle this....
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akern
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 12:44 Post subject:
In my case , that really never worked. "Let's be friends" was just a convenient cop-out. What I really meant was "Get lost!" but the fella (or fellas ?) probably hadn't pi$$ed me off enough to want to bash his ego.
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coachmarkos
my boys could swim
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 12:44 Post subject:
Is it possible? Sure, I guess so.
Do I know anyone who is currently good friends with an ex?
no.
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RunsLikeAGirl
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 12:46 Post subject:
Well, in my experience it doesn't work if you're the dumper. I just feel VERY uncomfortable trying to be friends with any guy I've dumped - mostly because I think they're jackasses. Now, the one occasion that I have been the dumpee has worked out nicely. He's married now, but we still email back and forth every couple of weeks - he's a great guy, and at the time he was totally justified in dumping me. So I'm over the feeling of being dumped. 
Anyway, I think it has alot to do with the way things ended, and the personalities of the 2 people involved. If your dudes would hold a grudge, steer clear. If not, and you don't feel any guilt, I don't see a problem. Good luck!
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cherylpf
crazy cat lady
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 12:47 Post subject:
I know you're right, I don't know many who have pulled it off either.
great.  so I have to bob and weave everytime I run into this guy? I don't necessarily want to be best friends and hang out every night but I guess avoiding the inevitable awkwardness would be nice....
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cherylpf
crazy cat lady
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 12:55 Post subject:
| RunsLikeAGirl wrote: | Well, in my experience it doesn't work if you're the dumper. I just feel VERY uncomfortable trying to be friends with any guy I've dumped - mostly because I think they're jackasses. Now, the one occasion that I have been the dumpee has worked out nicely. He's married now, but we still email back and forth every couple of weeks - he's a great guy, and at the time he was totally justified in dumping me. So I'm over the feeling of being dumped.
Anyway, I think it has alot to do with the way things ended, and the personalities of the 2 people involved. If your dudes would hold a grudge, steer clear. If not, and you don't feel any guilt, I don't see a problem. Good luck! |
Good points...I actually am good friends with a guy I 'dated' in high school (or whatever it is you do in high school ) but we ended sort of mutually so it didn't ever seem awkward.
One is a bit obsessive/stalker like, I don't have a whole lot of interest in keeping up a friendship with him, but the other was really nice but wanted more than I did and we ended it. Yeah, I do feel guilty because I feel like I hurt him, and so I think it could be awkward to be friendly....I'll practice my 'hunt and sprint' techniques I guess.... oh the tangled webs we weave...
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genie
Master of Prissface
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 13:00 Post subject:
I agree with RLAG---it really does depend on the circumstances surrounding the breakup and the maturity of the two people involved. I am, as you know, best friends with one of my ex's, but in our case, the breakup was mutual and was basically necessary because we came to the realization that we are only meant to be friends. We get along fabulously now, way better than we ever did as a couple, and are, I am confident, friends for life. But that's rare and in the case of a few others, I don't care to associate with them in any fashion and I don't feel the need to try and be friendly because the relationships were not healthy to start with.
It's harder for you, it sounds, because you see them socially and I guess have some of the same friends? In that case, and knowing a little about the one ex, I'd say keep it civil at best, but it's probably not going to amount to much more than that. If he/they cannot at least be polite in public, then dust them off and ignore them whenever possible. Email me if you want to chat more, K?
Edited to add: we posted at the same time so I didn't see the part about the other ex.....hmmm....I wouldn't feel guilty if you didn't want the same things, that's the way life is. Just so being friendly with him won't encourage feelings you don't want to return, then I'd say it might be possible, but if he's going to get attached again, then I wouldn't. I had that experience too and had to cut "him" off because I still had too many lingering feelings to just be friends.
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monk25
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 13:05 Post subject:
No, not possible.
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runswithscissors
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 13:16 Post subject:
I guess I must be more mature than most. Two of my X's are two of my best friends after many years, and I still talk to several others. Maybe in their heads they hate me, but they sure don't show it. I'll choose to be naive if that be the case.
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genie
Master of Prissface
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 13:28 Post subject:
Now who could ever hate you?
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camelia bedelia
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 13:30 Post subject:
Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
H: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
S: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
H: No you don't.
S: Yes I do.
H: No you don't.
S: Yes I do.
H: You only think you do.
S: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
H: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
S: They do not!
H: Do to.
S: They do not.
H: Do to.
S: How do you know?
H: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
S: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
H: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
S: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
H: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
S: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
H: I guess not.
S: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
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purple hayes
Frightened Inmate #2
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 13:43 Post subject:
Yes, it's possible if the planets are properly aligned.
I've only seriously 'dated' two women in my life; my wife and a girl I dated in high school that I essentially moved to Tennessee with. She and I broke up at the time (1989) because I was an immature jerk. We were eventually able to move past that and become friends and we'd hang out all the time (w/o the sex part, sorry CB ).
I ended up moving to Atlanta (and got married) and she ended up in Dallas (and got married) . We've exchanged a few e-mails, but our respective spouses didn't think that keeping in touch with someone that used to be so important to us was such a good idea so we stopped writing to each other.
So, I think it can be done, but once you get married, it adds a whole new level of complexity to the situation.
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kristin31
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 13:47 Post subject:
I'm still good friends with several of the guys I have dated. It depends on the circumstances, the breakup, and a few other thigs I can't quantify. It can work in some cases and in others its a BAD idea. You'll know, beleieve me!
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Pebbles
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 14:59 Post subject:
| purple hayes wrote: |
So, I think it can be done, but once you get married, it adds a whole new level of complexity to the situation. |
I agree with Ph--if single, I think it's possible, but if your married I think it could get complicated. I suppose it would also depend on your definition of friendly too.
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shelflifers
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Posted: 06/16/03 - 15:23 Post subject:
| camelia bedelia wrote: | Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
H: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
S: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
H: No you don't.
S: Yes I do.
H: No you don't.
S: Yes I do.
H: You only think you do.
S: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
H: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
S: They do not!
H: Do to.
S: They do not.
H: Do to.
S: How do you know?
H: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
S: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
H: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
S: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
H: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
S: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
H: I guess not.
S: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York. |
My favorite line of the movie:
Sally: I'm DIFFICULT!!!
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