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Floridaboiler
POTFH
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Joined: 18 May 2002
Posts: 11322
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
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 Posted: 02/24/03 - 22:22 Post subject: The third round of cleaning out my mailbox.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares??
Have fun with it
>What's the best form of birth control after 50?
>Nudity
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>45 lbs.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>45 minutes.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why do men want to marry virgins?
>They can't stand criticism.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and
>good
>looking?
>Because those men already have boyfriends.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
>After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What do you call a smart blonde?
>A golden retriever.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why does the bride always wear white?
>Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
>refrigerator.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the
>biggest boobs?
>The blonde, because she's 18
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
>Ask your mom.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>How do you know when you're really ugly?
>Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
>When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys
have?
>Palm Sunday.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
>Her navel.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
>Bingo machine.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
>A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why did God create alcohol?
>So ugly people could have sex, too.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
>"Are you sure it's mine?"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
>Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>Mace will do that to you.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
>Everyone has the same DNA.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>Breasts don't have eyes.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
>A pimp.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only
on
>Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
>Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
>A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along
>with a recipe.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the Cuban National Anthem?
>Row, row, row your boat.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
>fairytale?
>
>A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale
begins
>"Y'all ain't gonna believe this poop."
Helpful Hint #1
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto!
The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it
before you put it on.
Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them
to swim in an amusing manner.
Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.
Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet
seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
> : Redneck Humor
>
>
> An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to
the
> driver, "Got
> any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"
> ******
> Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a
> sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
> "Jes' some chickens."
> >>"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses
> right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"
> ******
> An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door,
> telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is
> on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks,
> don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
> ******
> Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
> Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
> ******
> Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that
> she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the
> operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator
> asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How
> 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
> ****
> Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
> They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
> ******
> What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
> Documentaries
> ******
> Where was the toothbrush invented?
> Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a
> teethbrush.
> ******
> Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets
> $3 a year for a million years.
> *******
> A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets
> divorced, they're still brother and sister.
> ******
> What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in
> Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a
> trailer.
> ******
> How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
> When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the
> person at the front desk says, "Go ahead.
>
>
In Arkansas, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for
Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work,
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him,
so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do none of that
poop"
This is actually a joke!
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
SEEN ON T-SHIRTS
>>
>>1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
>>he was God and I didn't!
>>
>>2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
>>
>>3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
>>
>>4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>>
>>5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>>
>>6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
>>
>>7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
>>
>> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>>
>>9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
>>
>>10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
>>
>>11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
>>
>>12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>>
>>15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
>>
>>16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>>
>>17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
>>
>>1 I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
>>
>>19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
>>
>>20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>>
>>24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
>>
>>26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
>>
>>27) Procrastinate Now
>>
>>2 Rehab Is for Quitters
>>
>>29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
>>
>>32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since15
>>
>>33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names
>>
>>34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
>>
>>35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
>>
>>37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
>>
>>3 STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
>>
>>40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
>>
>>41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
>>
>>43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN . Cops have nothing to go on.
>>
>>44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
>>
>>45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
>>
>>46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times
>>the memory.
>>
>>47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
>>
>>4 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>>
>>49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
>>commitment for a pig.
>>
>>50) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
>>
>>51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
>>
>>53) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith &Wesson.
>><<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>
>>
>> Memoirs???
>>
>>Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got
>>$8 million for hers. That's $20 million for two people who for
>>eight years repeatedly testified they couldn't remember anything.
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery ... as to
why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide
team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the
incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and
nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the
terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,
prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so
that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt
him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank
of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had
been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
>
>These are things you should know.
>
>My question is how do they know how long a gold fish can remember?
>
> 1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
> 2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
> 3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
> 4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
> 5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
> 6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
> 7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
> 8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
>"screeched."
> 9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
>building is an American flag.
> 10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
> 11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
>or purple.
> 12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
> 13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
>the back of the $5 bill.
> 14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
> 15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
> 16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
> 17. There are only four words in the English language which end in
>"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
> 18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
>los Angeles de Porciuncula.
> 19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
> 20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> 21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
> 22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
> 23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
> 24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
>Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful
>Life."
> 25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours
> 26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
> 27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
> 28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
> 29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
> 30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
> 31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
>tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
> 32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
> 33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
> 34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
> 35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
>left hand.
>
> NOW you know everything... You could be a Teenager!
>
>What's Your Southern Sign?
Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people
that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and
the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners
understand: See the list below...
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside.
Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good
each day if you try.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin,
however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of
seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They
can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're
unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to
work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't
worry about it.
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on
the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can
get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always
have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about
aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums
have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're
dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to
work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and
play. You are a night person and mind your own business.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an
office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to
the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living
room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have
very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They
love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the
essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if
you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself
a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the
heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You
Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play
hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life,
you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon
Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like
yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You
love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where
do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs
and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things,
that serves you well. You are pure in heart.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your
fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved
ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism
will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear
>How to Shower Like a Woman
> > > >
> > > > 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
> >to
> > > > lights and darks.
> > > > 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
> > > > the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> > > > 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -make mental note to do
> > > > more sit-ups
> > > > 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
> > > > wide loofah, and pumice stone.
> > > > 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
> > > > vitamins.
> > > > 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> > > > 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
> > > > natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
> > > > 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
> > > > red.
> > > > 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
> > > > 10. Complain because your husband had been eating your ginger nut and
> > > > jaffa cake body wash.
> > > > 11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
> > > > 12. Shave armpits and legs.
> > > > 13. Turn off shower.
> > > > 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
> >Tilex.
> > > > 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
> > > > hair in super absorbent towel.
> > > > 16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
> > > > 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
> > > > 18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> > > >
> > > > How To Shower Like a Man
> > > >
> > > > 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
> >in
> > > > a pile.
> > > > 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
> >wiener
> > > > at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
> > > > 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
> > > > wiener and scratch your ass.
> > > > 4. Get in the shower.
> > > > 5. Wash your face.
> > > > 6. Wash your armpits.
> > > > 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
> > > > 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
> >sound
> > > > in the shower.
> > > > 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
> > > > 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
> > > > 11. Shampoo your hair.
> > > > 12. Taste your wifes ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
> > > > 13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
> > > > 14. Pee.
> > > > 15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
> > > > 16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
> > > > hanging out of tub the whole time.
> > > > 17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
> > > > 18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
> > > > 19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
> >pull
> > > > off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
> > > > 20. Throw wet towel on bed.
>
>
>
>
THE GYNECOLOGIST
A Gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of
being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening
classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical
exam approached, the Gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the
exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there was an error that needs adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was
worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is
also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say," I gave you an extra 50%
because you did all of it through the muffler."
A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . .
We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . .
And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane ittam.
(I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will throw a large rock at our head.)
Thank goodness I am almost all caught up!
Eric
http://home.att.net/~Oencan
http://home.att.net/~Tweety96
http://home.att.net/~butterfly302
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