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cherylpf
crazy cat lady
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Joined: 14 May 2002
Posts: 17305
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 Posted: 09/26/05 - 10:19 Post subject: Texas hurricane evacuation plans
from an email...I laughed, I cried, my side hurt....
To ex-Texans, present Texans, future Texans and other Gulf Coastal
residents: Texas Hurricane Season Notes
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some
radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
points
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be near the Gulf Coast. If
you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.
''Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible
plan.
Most people will foolishly stay near their homes. We'll start with one
of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably
well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is
located in South Texas, or any other area that might actually be hit by a
hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you
hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money,
and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the
first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like
used dental floss. Since Hurricane Ge orges, I have had an estimated 27
different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob
and Big Stan insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in
addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my
kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says `Texas,'' you live
in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you
will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,
along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you
will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Southern Texas tradition requires that you
wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get
into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:23
flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I
don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for,
but it's traditional, so GET some!)A 55-gallon drum of underarm
deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that,
after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no
discernible teeth. Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV
reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Gulf coast and tell you
over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away
from the Gulf .
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
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I'd buy me some iodine tablets from the army/surplus store first.
to the wife.)
