Statements for Performance Reviews

Member

I've seen these as "Officer Evaluations". Some are quite good. One I heard about from Desert Storm was:

"He froze like a deer in headlights"

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This person has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Puppy Love!

Those were good!

POTFH

Those were cool.

Oompa Loofah

Here's some:

STAFF DESCRIPTIONS

Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office

Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee..............................Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified......Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority................Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially.................Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker.............Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking......................Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker........................Won't make a decision

Agressive..........................................Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs......Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well.....................Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail..................A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities.........Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgement...........................Lucky

Keen Sense of Humor...............Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded...................................Back Stabber

Loyal..........................Can't get a job anywhere else

Newbie

I just published a book that has the flip side of these - How to Say It: Performance Reviews. It's a performance review phrase book, and each category has an over-the-top positive phrases for each category - like for efficiency - "so efficient the job is doe before she starts."

You can find it at: http://www.speakstrong.com/Superl_Prfmnc_Revw_phras.pdf

They're fun and the antidote for these.

Enjoy -

Meryl

Member

Man, I WISH I could use some of those on the performance reviews that I do. Some of those hit the nail right on the head!!!

Newbie

Newbie

Newbie

Hi,

Good ideal, pls try to keep posting. I like this topic very much and I will digged this one. Tks again.

Newbie

Newbie

These were really great! I laughed out loud.

Statements for Performance Reviews

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