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brie k
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 Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:14 Post subject: Speaking of sex...
So when I told Dad that I had a date (which we're postponing until I get through this semester, incidentally, just so you know) the last thing he said was "don't go slutty." I don't think it's so much about having sex as it is about me having a 12yo who watches my every move and me not sending the wrong message. Obviously it will be a LONG while before a man comes into my apartment and hangs out with all 4 of us, nevermind comes in for a little action. And even if I were to do this with someone (not even close, tyvm), I certainly wouldn't do it where I could get caught by one or more of the children.
So my question is this: when do you think it is ok to be intimate with someone for the first time, if you think it is ok at all (read: it is ok to have sex before marriage)? Not based on your own experience, just a general thought on the issue. I'm sure it's a mostly play-it-by-ear sort of thing, but just curious your thoughts.
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kristin31
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:24 Post subject:
Well, I don't have children, so my response would probably be different than others. I think it's mostly a situational type/play it by ear thing. When it feels right for both of you, would be my thought.
I can't believe your dad said "Don't go all slutty" !!!!! 
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runaroundsue
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:27 Post subject:
I think it's up to the individual. I'd be more concerned about how another person is introduced to the family, rather than meeting that person once in awhile for a roll in the hay. I think it's more damaging to have a boyfriend hang out with children and have them grow accustom to having him around....then the relationship turns sour....poof....he's gone for good. This happens in relationships with adults. You know, you become friends with a husband and wife. They split up and suddenly the relationship with one of them is strained or done. It's tough. Why subject children to this? I'd suggest meeting "friends" outside the home, until you know that "this is it".
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HighHeat
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:29 Post subject:
Before Marriage: OK
During Marriage: Not OK
After Marriage: OK as soon as you are comfortable.
I don't think there's a "mourning period" or anything. I'd say it's unique depending on the circumstances.
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brie k
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:43 Post subject:
| runaroundsue wrote: | | I think it's up to the individual. I'd be more concerned about how another person is introduced to the family, rather than meeting that person once in awhile for a roll in the hay. I think it's more damaging to have a boyfriend hang out with children and have them grow accustom to having him around....then the relationship turns sour....poof....he's gone for good. This happens in relationships with adults. You know, you become friends with a husband and wife. They split up and suddenly the relationship with one of them is strained or done. It's tough. Why subject children to this? I'd suggest meeting "friends" outside the home, until you know that "this is it". |
I have the same concerns. I listen to the experts, and I've heard that it's not a good idea to introduce children to a new person until even 6 months after the relationship began. I am totally behind that. The children have already lost a father, and by lost, I mean that in the most sincerest, tragic way. He is not present, at all. I don't want to put them through something like this ever again.
Rick and I were talking yesterday and I told him that it would be so much easier for us to get together if we could have dinner here or whatever, but that I couldn't choose convenience over what is right for the children. He seems to get that. I wouldn't even consider having dinner at his place just because I won't lie to the children about where I am, and Libby being the age she is, even if nothing were happening re: intimacy, she might believe it were anyway, and that's not a message I am willing to send at this point.
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brie k
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:45 Post subject:
| kristin31 wrote: | Well, I don't have children, so my response would probably be different than others. I think it's mostly a situational type/play it by ear thing. When it feels right for both of you, would be my thought.
I can't believe your dad said "Don't go all slutty" !!!!! |
Yeah, he's rather point-blank like that. But Dad and I have a great relationship. I can talk to him about anything, and vice versa. There are times when I just roll my eyes, but mostly he's the greatest dad evah!  He loves his grandchildren, and just wants to make sure that I have my head on straight sometimes.
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Laurie Ellen
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:46 Post subject:
Sex is serious, really, even though it seems a lot less so because of all the attention it gets. Wait until you find love again. Wait until you know it's real and won't just be a regrettful memory. There are other things you can do with no regrets if it's just a physical need. For you and for the kids, I think you should really wait to find Him again, if that's what you want.
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MissLes
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:51 Post subject:
I cannot imagine getting into the dating world with a (nearly) teenage daughter watching! It sounds like you're being careful and thoughtful about what you're doing, Brie. Good luck!
P.S. Just an unsolicited thought about the date. I think you should meet sooner rather than wait until after your schedule lightens up. Even if it's just for lunch.
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brie k
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:54 Post subject:
| Laurie Ellen wrote: | | Sex is serious, really, even though it seems a lot less so because of all the attention it gets. Wait until you find love again. Wait until you know it's real and won't just be a regrettful memory. There are other things you can do with no regrets if it's just a physical need. For you and for the kids, I think you should really wait to find Him again, if that's what you want. |
Problem is, after all of this, I'm not even sure I have faith that there is a Him, or that I was married to my Him and that's that.
All of this is entirely more difficult than I imagined it would be.
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HighHeat
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:56 Post subject:
| brie k wrote: |
Problem is, after all of this, I'm not even sure I have faith that there is a Him, or that I was married to my Him and that's that.
All of this is entirely more difficult than I imagined it would be. |
There are many "Hims"
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brie k
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 10:59 Post subject:
| MissLes wrote: | I cannot imagine getting into the dating world with a (nearly) teenage daughter watching! It sounds like you're being careful and thoughtful about what you're doing, Brie. Good luck!
P.S. Just an unsolicited thought about the date. I think you should meet sooner rather than wait until after your schedule lightens up. Even if it's just for lunch. |
You may be right, maybe I shouldn't wait, but only part of it is my schedule. The other part is my feeling I'm not ready. I thought I was, but this past week of trying to get together has been too unnerving.
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Gogirlgo
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 11:17 Post subject:
I would say that moving, getting back to school and becoming a single parent are enough for a while, and to make sure to give yourself some time to just get adjusted to all that.
I know that when a SAHM gets a fulltime job, it's about 6 months until the family gets really acclimated to what that feels like. You've got a lot of changes going on, so maybe it's best to let some of that settle first.
But there's no reason you can't begin to make friends with people in your new community, and if you can fit lunch in, great. If it were me and I were in your situation, I might put the brakes on anything more for a while until things felt a little bit calmer. (I recognize that with three kids, life is rarely calm, however.)
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bpdou
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 11:58 Post subject:
| Gogirlgo wrote: | | But there's no reason you can't begin to make friends with people in your new community, and if you can fit lunch in, great. If it were me and I were in your situation, I might put the brakes on anything more for a while until things felt a little bit calmer. (I recognize that with three kids, life is rarely calm, however.) |
 no rush, imho...
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andydp
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 12:05 Post subject:
Let's go from the guys perspective. Remember what Billy Chrystal said: women want a nice place, a relationship, a future with someone before going to bed with them. Men just want a place.
OK joke's over. Personally its OK to have niknik before marriage. In your case Brie, you do have those kidlets to worry about too. (A really good guy will not make your kids a central issue of your relationship.) Like you said, bringing someone into their lives then having them leave for one reason or another is harmful to the kids.
I think I would just thread very carefully for a while see how all the kids react to the idea of mom going out. Definetly start slowly.
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sonnylax
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Posted: 11/11/04 - 12:07 Post subject:
| andydp wrote: | | Let's go from the guys perspective. Remember what Billy Chrystal said: women want a nice place, a relationship, a future with someone before going to bed with them. Men just want a place. |
Truer words have never been spoken. 
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