Self Image of Significant Others
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airehead
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 Posted: 02/09/05 - 17:13 Post subject:
| Gogirlgo wrote: | | Really well-stated, Angie. |
Thanks!! 
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akern
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 19:11 Post subject:
| rolling rock wrote: |
maybe your commitment to physical fitness has her insecurity on the rise too. you are a serious athlete, she may feel left out? i've found nothing that boosts self-esteem and image like running has for me. even if the "look" isn't there, it's a feeling from within that can not be equaled.
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I was going to suggest something along these lines. I think my husband thinks just because I run\workout that he should too. The truth is I don't really care if he does or not, but I think he feels pressured to "keep up" with me.  He'll get the: "I feel fat, out of shape, whatever" attitude every now and again too. Often times I think he trys to talk me out of my workouts just so he doesn't feel bad about not doing anything. 
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airehead
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 19:24 Post subject:
| akern wrote: |
I was going to suggest something along these lines. I think my husband thinks just because I run\workout that he should too. The truth is I don't really care if he does or not, but I think he feels pressured to "keep up" with me. He'll get the: "I feel fat, out of shape, whatever" attitude every now and again too. Often times I think he trys to talk me out of my workouts just so he doesn't feel bad about not doing anything. |
This is a common thing! It is a happy event when a couple can share fitness goals. More often than not, it doesn't work that way, though.
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brie k
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 20:12 Post subject:
You know, even when I was waif thin (at almost 5'8 and about 120, I was uber-skinny) I never felt thin. I always felt and to some extent, still do, like that chubby high-schooler I used to be. Even going from 170 to 135 (over a couple years) hasn't helped that much. I know I'm thinner than some, but I'd love to lose the thighs, have tighter buns, etc. Even w/ the Bowflexing, it takes time. <sigh>
I think it is really great that you want to help her feel better, and I think what the wise women here have stated thus far have been great ideas/thoughts.
And big  on compliments. Every single time Rick calls me, he says "Hey, gorgeous." I love that. I don't care if it is true, if he's just being nice, whatever. It's just nice to hear. (He compliments me on other things too, but I love the gorgeous thing!) So compliment, and often, and not just about looks, but about everything in her/about her that is amazing. I'm sure the list is long.
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sonnylax
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 20:14 Post subject:
| airehead wrote: | | Mainly because they see the people in their lives (mainly men) ogling and oohing and ahh-ing over those size twos. And the messages they get that to be large is to be a "loser" in life. (Beer commercials subtly do the same for men: if you drink our beer, you'll get that beautiful girl on your arm too. Who coincidentally is tiny!!) So, we see that the skinny girl is who guys want. |
Sure... But that still doesn't change the fact that it women that are reacting to these external messages & pressures. It might not be the best environment to live/work/play in. BUT....
[Generalization] If women were more resistant to those messages, maybe their self-esteem issues wouldn't be as problematic? I see the problem is how women react/internalize to the "pressures," not necessarily the "pressures" themselves.
I want Andy Roddick's rocket serve, Roger Federer's big booming backhand, and Andre Agassi's incredible conditioning. I'm "ohhing and ahhing" over their superior skills on the tennis courts. If I can't play like them, does that make me a loser too? Do I have poor self-esteem because I can't play tennis like one of those pros, run like A. Webb, and look like Arnold S.?
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brie k
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 20:24 Post subject:
| sonnylax wrote: |
Sure... But that still doesn't change the fact that it women that are reacting to these external messages & pressures. It might not be the best environment to live/work/play in. BUT....
[Generalization] If women were more resistant to those messages, maybe their self-esteem issues wouldn't be as problematic? I see the problem is how women react/internalize to the "pressures," not necessarily the "pressures" themselves.
I want Andy Roddick's rocket serve, Roger Federer's big booming backhand, and Andre Agassi's incredible conditioning. I'm "ohhing and ahhing" over their superior skills on the tennis courts. If I can't play like them, does that make me a loser too? Do I have poor self-esteem because I can't play tennis like one of those pros, run like A. Webb, and look like Arnold S.? |
Until you grow a uterus, don't try to understand women. You will never understand. It's a girl/woman thing (and certainly not all girls/women have esteem issues).
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airehead
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 20:40 Post subject:
| sonnylax wrote: |
Sure... But that still doesn't change the fact that it women that are reacting to these external messages & pressures. It might not be the best environment to live/work/play in. BUT....
[Generalization] If women were more resistant to those messages, maybe their self-esteem issues wouldn't be as problematic? I see the problem is how women react/internalize to the "pressures," not necessarily the "pressures" themselves.
I want Andy Roddick's rocket serve, Roger Federer's big booming backhand, and Andre Agassi's incredible conditioning. I'm "ohhing and ahhing" over their superior skills on the tennis courts. If I can't play like them, does that make me a loser too? Do I have poor self-esteem because I can't play tennis like one of those pros, run like A. Webb, and look like Arnold S.? |
But those things are also not tied in to how attractive you are. Men are wired differently than women. For many women (certainly not all) looks are definitely very important.
We are conditioned from very little that looks are what life is based on: whether or not we get married/date etc.
I was called fatty in elementary school all through high school. Looking back, using a doctor's chart, I was definitely not fat. Did I have many dates in HS? No. Did I equate the two?? Most certainly! We notice that the pretty girls=popular=cheerleader=getting dates--which is what a lot of girls crave in HS.
Some women are driven by looks. Whether or not it is correct is moot. Whether it can be corrected or not is moot. Whether it is something hard wired or not is moot. The issue is the here and now and advertisers, for better or worse, use it and use it ruthlessly.
And let me edit to add: As women get older, many times the fear about looks fades--but the worst part is when you are young.
I would hasten to add that this happens to men at some point: whether it be about "performance" ,their job, their thinning hair, their money, etc. Low self esteem is not gender specific. And ignoring "outside influences" doesn't make you feel better about your "weak spot". Whether it be going bald prematurely or not having enough money or not having that hot car.
If you have no places in your life that are "weak spots" where you suffer from low self-esteem--then congratulations--you have achieved a miracle status indeed! 
Last edited by airehead on 02/09/05 - 20:57; edited 1 time in total
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Floridaboiler
POTFH
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Joined: 18 May 2002
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 20:55 Post subject:
| TOsteve wrote: |
So FB, my only advise is maybe you and I should just
 <----as long as I'm this guy. |
Can I do that in about 11 days after my race!
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Floridaboiler
POTFH
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 21:08 Post subject:
Thanks everyone,
I am glad(??) to see I have sparked a nice debate on this issue. I didn't mean to imply that I confront her when her hormones are raging. IT is at those times that i pull the Code red from the home life warning system and run for cover. http://runningforums.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=27658
I wish I could tell you how many times I have told her that I married her for her. She has even asked me if I liked certain women on tv and models etc and I have truthfully said no, they are to thin etc.
For now all I am going to do is continue to support her in whatever she tries to make her happy, continue to tell her I love and find a good shelter when she goes to alert lever red again! 
Thanks also to those of you who PM'ed me.
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Gogirlgo
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Joined: 25 Jul 2002
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 23:49 Post subject:
| sonnylax wrote: |
Sure... But that still doesn't change the fact that it women that are reacting to these external messages & pressures. It might not be the best environment to live/work/play in. BUT....
[Generalization] If women were more resistant to those messages, maybe their self-esteem issues wouldn't be as problematic? I see the problem is how women react/internalize to the "pressures," not necessarily the "pressures" themselves.
I want Andy Roddick's rocket serve, Roger Federer's big booming backhand, and Andre Agassi's incredible conditioning. I'm "ohhing and ahhing" over their superior skills on the tennis courts. If I can't play like them, does that make me a loser too? Do I have poor self-esteem because I can't play tennis like one of those pros, run like A. Webb, and look like Arnold S.? |
It sounds like you can't understand why we don't react like...well, like guys. We don't. We can't. And we're better managers and better at working at groups because of it. We work in consensus. We listen to what others say. We value what others say. That trait doesn't get turned on in the board room and turned off in the mirror.
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phillycat
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Posted: 02/10/05 - 08:57 Post subject:
| airehead wrote: |
But those things are also not tied in to how attractive you are. Men are wired differently than women. For many women (certainly not all) looks are definitely very important.
We are conditioned from very little that looks are what life is based on: whether or not we get married/date etc.
I was called fatty in elementary school all through high school. Looking back, using a doctor's chart, I was definitely not fat. Did I have many dates in HS? No. Did I equate the two?? Most certainly! We notice that the pretty girls=popular=cheerleader=getting dates--which is what a lot of girls crave in HS.
Some women are driven by looks. Whether or not it is correct is moot. Whether it can be corrected or not is moot. Whether it is something hard wired or not is moot. The issue is the here and now and advertisers, for better or worse, use it and use it ruthlessly.
And let me edit to add: As women get older, many times the fear about looks fades--but the worst part is when you are young.
I would hasten to add that this happens to men at some point: whether it be about "performance" ,their job, their thinning hair, their money, etc. Low self esteem is not gender specific. And ignoring "outside influences" doesn't make you feel better about your "weak spot". Whether it be going bald prematurely or not having enough money or not having that hot car.
If you have no places in your life that are "weak spots" where you suffer from low self-esteem--then congratulations--you have achieved a miracle status indeed! |
I have to agree with Aire here that many of the issues surrounding a woman's self image stem from things that happened to them growing up. Much of the "damage" has been done long ago and has had years and years to develop inside. I grew up tall...I was 5'7" by the time I was 12. At the time I had two friends who were also tall like me and very, very thin. I was an average sized kid, but compared to them I was big and fat. When I look back at photos of myself I wonder why I thought that I was so fat...I was actually quite normal. Today I am 5'10" and a healthy size 10...and I am much, much more comfortable than I used to be...but I still ask my husband if I look good....or if I look fat....I can't see that ever changing.
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sonnylax
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Posted: 02/10/05 - 10:39 Post subject:
| Gogirlgo wrote: | | It sounds like you can't understand why we don't react like...well, like guys. We don't. We can't. And we're better managers and better at working at groups because of it. We work in consensus. We listen to what others say. We value what others say. That trait doesn't get turned on in the board room and turned off in the mirror. |
I don't understand why you don't react like rational humans with the ability to reason. You have the ability to reason, just like men do... If getting to a Size 2 is irrational, reckless, unhealthy, unattainable and most well-grounded, educated women openly realize this... why do you pursue it?
Why you feed the need to "work in consensus" about your own body/self esteem issues is what I don't understand.
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robp
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Posted: 02/10/05 - 10:44 Post subject:
| sonnylax wrote: |
I don't understand why you don't react like rational humans with the ability to reason. You have the ability to reason, just like men do... If getting to a Size 2 is irrational, reckless, unhealthy, unattainable and most well-grounded, educated women openly realize this... why do you pursue it?
Why you feed the need to "work in consensus" about your own body/self esteem issues is what I don't understand. |
Dude, use your head. Females are programmed differently than males. I figured that out a long time ago. It doesn't mean I understand any of it but then I don't understand a whole lot of things.
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airehead
Oompa Loofah
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Posted: 02/10/05 - 12:36 Post subject:
| sonnylax wrote: |
I don't understand why you don't react like rational humans with the ability to reason. You have the ability to reason, just like men do... If getting to a Size 2 is irrational, reckless, unhealthy, unattainable and most well-grounded, educated women openly realize this... why do you pursue it?
Why you feed the need to "work in consensus" about your own body/self esteem issues is what I don't understand. |
Why do older men leave their wives for younger women? Is it right? Is it rational? Noooooo....
Why do they pursue it? The ethereal goal of perfection in some way...
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Gogirlgo
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Posted: 02/10/05 - 13:12 Post subject:
| sonnylax wrote: |
Why you feed the need to "work in consensus" about your own body/self esteem issues is what I don't understand. |
That is not what I said. I don't feel the need to work in consensus, I don't work any other way. This is how we're programmed. It's not a question of rationality b/c it's not as if we weigh out two choices and merely opt for the crummy one. In our heads, there aren't two choices. We listen to everyone b/c that's how we do things.
Do you think it's irrational for the turtles to head to the sea b/c there's a street in between them and the water? It's what they are programmed to do.
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