Self Image of Significant Others
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Floridaboiler
POTFH
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Joined: 18 May 2002
Posts: 11322
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
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 Posted: 02/08/05 - 21:05 Post subject: Self Image of Significant Others
Ladies and Gentlemen,
[vent]
Although I think this problem might be more for the men, how do you deal with a significant other that has no confidence that they are attractive? I don't know if it is because Mrs. Boilers hormones have started raging or what but for the last week or so she is convinced that she is fat, ugly etc. No matter what I tell her. She the replies, "Well you have to say that, you are my husband" I have tried retaliating (not sure if it is the right word here) by saying the same thing back to her to make her see how stupid it sounds hearing it all the time but I don't think that is right the thing to say.
She was on weight watchers and dropped her weight into the correct weight for her height etc. Sure she doesn't look like a super model but she seems to think that she has to. She even complains at times whe other people don't say that she is pretty, or cute etc.
[/vent]
Thanks for listening.
Eric
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keltic63
the kilted one
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 10:15 Post subject:
that's a tough situation, and you've figured out that you just can't win. a lesson I've learned: I can't be responsible for someone else's happiness. I can only take care of myself. Perhaps your response to her negative statements about herself could be "that's really unattractive when you do that."
I'm not sure that I would use these statements, but they are something to think about using when she gets like that: "do you really think I have such bad taste that I would choose you if you are as bad as you say you are?" or "do you think that I'm so shallow that I'd leave you because everything about you isn't perfect?" in a sense, that kind of statement/attitude from a wife is an insult to the husband. I can see why you'd be upset by it.
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Gogirlgo
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 10:25 Post subject:
I have noticed that being on Weight Watchers or any other kind of program in which one is acutely aware of how much one is eating, how much one is losing, how much better one looks now, etc. has a nasty side effect. It is: we become sort of obsessed with the issue.
When I was heavy, I never noticed things like how much my eyebrows needed shaping or how crooked my teeth were. I was somehow able to not concern myself with matters like that at all. Now not only do I notice it of myself but also of others.
You might ask her why she all of a sudden feels like this. There could be some tangible reason she hasn't shared as yet. Or you might ask what it would take for her to feel pretty, and help her get there.
One thing I'm sure would be a bad idea would be to ask whether this is hormone-related. But if you've been married for more than five minutes, I'm sure you already realize this.
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runaroundsue
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 12:16 Post subject:
I don't think I have a poor self-image. I seem to think that I'm a realist. So honestly, I get a little irritated with my SO when he "pours it on" with the "you are beautiful.....blah....blah....etc. I have a mirrior, honey. It's not like I think I'm unattrative.
So what do I think..........I like it when he compliments me on something specific. "honey, that color looks good on you or those pants make you look fine" rather than "you have a great, bod, did you know that?" To me, one sounds sincere....the other sounds like words that he either 1) wants me to feel good about myself, or 2) simply wants something.
If your wife is a "realist" like me, she has to "know" that she "is" beautiful to you. What she needs is confidence that her outfit, her hairdo, her make-up looks attractive/presentable to others.
just a thought.
I believe that my husband believes he bagged a beauty.....my worry is that some day he'll realize the truth. 
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airehead
Oompa Loofah
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Joined: 12 Nov 2002
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 13:15 Post subject:
It's a very complicated issue with women.
1. We like the compliments. We may not believe them, but we like them. And they need to be believable.
2. Around that time many of us are directly affected by hormones and our self image takes a nosedive. (whether we're aware of it or not, it happens to a lot of us. We feel dumb, unattractive, fat, like failures. You name it)
3. The fact that the male populace (and much of the female populace) idolize women who are waif thin whose bones are showing. Regular women who don't have a good self image will compare themselves to these models--think of all the glossy magazines (especially the "skin" ones) and always feel they don't measure up. So, you might be sensitive to your comments about those women on TV.
4. It's a slow process. Buy sexy lingerie together. Things that flatter her. Tell her you love her ________ and give a specific reason why you love that body part. Pick something new to compliment every few days and give a solid reason as to "why" you like that dress or her eyes or her laugh lines. Tell her how much you like that you guys are so comfortable with each other, but that she is still new to you and exciting. Tell her you can't wait to spend the rest of your lives together. Tell her you can't wait to see her at the end of the day.
5. Is she involved in something that gives her a feeling of self worth? For some women it's raising children. For others it's running a corporation. For others it's as simple as creating a garden. Encourage her to follow her passion. Take interest in her interests. Her feeling beautiful is more than just about physical appearance. If you make her ideas and opinions and interests important and valuable, then she will feel valuable as well.
6. Sometimes there is nothing you can do except love her through the hard times.
Good luck--and it shows  on your part for wanting to help her through this.
There are no quick fixes.
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TOsteve
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 13:35 Post subject:
I've been with my wife for 8 years, married for 4 and she's now 4 months pregnant with our first. I guess you could say I'm in the middle of studying for my Masters degree on this subject. 
My wife is a wonderfully pragmatic person on just about every issue except this one. I've tried to connect with her pragmatic side from two different angles:
1) Perception of beauty is a cultural/sociological phenomena that has absolutely no bearing on who you are as a person. If somone makes judgements about your value as a human being based on your physical appearance they are clearly unenlightened baffoons who aren't worth your energy to worry about.
Her response: We live in a society that has given men the freedom to embrace that way of thinking and has taken that freedom away from women. (ie "Easy for you to say, you're a man!")
2) If you feel that random people's perception of your physical attractiveness plays an inextricable role in how you define yourself as a woman, even though I don't understand it, I will support you in your desire to conform more to our culture's definition of physical beauty.
Her response: How can you be a party to perpetuating social rules that oppress women. (ie "You're just like the rest of them, you think I'm fat!")
So FB, my only advise is  maybe you and I should just
 <----as long as I'm this guy.
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TOsteve
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 13:41 Post subject:
The stuff Aire said is way smarter - please ignore my post. 
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airehead
Oompa Loofah
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 13:44 Post subject:
| TOsteve wrote: | | The stuff Aire said is way smarter - please ignore my post. |
No, sometimes leaving the house and going might not be a bad idea!!!
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rolling rock
The Pinball
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 14:01 Post subject:
i have to agree with GGG -- do not mention hormones as a cause of this to her! i think it's very insulting when guys do this. who knows, it may have a biological basis but do NOT ask her if she is having PMS. just don't reference anything having to do with cycles. it's a slam.
aire brings up very good suggestions.
what woman can NOT feel like a loser in the face of the media's constant and unrelenting presentation of the "perfect female" every day of our lives. they present an unrealistic model and it's very easy to hold yourself up to that image.....it spells failure.
i'm all about getting involved in something that boosts your energy -- emtional, spiritual, physical energy; it doesn't matter. encourage her to find her own thing, like aire said.
maybe your commitment to physical fitness has her insecurity on the rise too. you are a serious athlete, she may feel left out? i've found nothing that boosts self-esteem and image like running has for me. even if the "look" isn't there, it's a feeling from within that can not be equaled.
hope things work out for you both. points for being a concerned husband eric.
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airehead
Oompa Loofah
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 14:40 Post subject:
| rolling rock wrote: | i have to agree with GGG -- do not mention hormones as a cause of this to her! i think it's very insulting when guys do this. who knows, it may have a biological basis but do NOT ask her if she is having PMS. just don't reference anything having to do with cycles. it's a slam.
: |
I agree wholeheartedly! Just because hormones may be a cause, it is never a good idea for you to mention that! It is insulting!
I do know that when I am hormonal everything about me is wrong--and sometimes Mr Aire just can't win. Poor guy.
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TOsteve
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 14:41 Post subject:
And for the record my wife is wicked hot. 
Not that it matters
She may stumble across this one day
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pokychick
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 15:17 Post subject:
semi funny story:
One day during the time I was staying home with little Poky, I was complaining to Mr Poky on the phone about feeling/being fat. One of his responses was "well if you wouldn't watch VH1 all the time"...
 
and a gigantic 1 to this:
| rolling rock wrote: | | i've found nothing that boosts self-esteem and image like running has for me. even if the "look" isn't there, it's a feeling from within that can not be equaled. |
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sonnylax
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 15:38 Post subject:
| rolling rock wrote: | | what woman can NOT feel like a loser in the face of the media's constant and unrelenting presentation of the "perfect female" every day of our lives. they present an unrealistic model and it's very easy to hold yourself up to that image.....it spells failure. |
That's the part I don't understand. Yes, the media & society in general present unrelenting images of a perfect image for women.
But when/how/why women mentally process those images is an entirely different thing. If most, well grounded women see this as unrealistic... why do they put enormous amounts of pressure on themselves to acheive that Size 2 status?
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airehead
Oompa Loofah
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Joined: 12 Nov 2002
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 16:05 Post subject:
| sonnylax wrote: |
That's the part I don't understand. Yes, the media & society in general present unrelenting images of a perfect image for women.
But when/how/why women mentally process those images is an entirely different thing. If most, well grounded women see this as unrealistic... why do they put enormous amounts of pressure on themselves to acheive that Size 2 status? |
Mainly because they see the people in their lives (mainly men) ogling and oohing and ahh-ing over those size twos. And the messages they get that to be large is to be a "loser" in life. (Beer commercials subtly do the same for men: if you drink our beer, you'll get that beautiful girl on your arm too. Who coincidentally is tiny!!) So, we see that the skinny girl is who guys want.
True story: I was a size 14 at my largest. I ran and lost weight and went down to a size 10. Since my illness I have gone to a size two.
My in-laws trip all over themselves to tell me how good I look now. When I "earned" my size 10/8 I was still too large for them. Now, through illness, I have achieved what they value. (Shallow in my mind, but there you have it)
I have noticed now that there are women who shun me due to my size. Many because I'm too little. (I've heard the nasty comments. One from a clothing store this past week where I couldn't find my size)
Even on this board from time to time we have threads about being overweight--and how it's just not acceptable--and although no one purposely tries to hurt, some of the comments are borderline playground taunts.
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Gogirlgo
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Posted: 02/09/05 - 17:06 Post subject:
Really well-stated, Angie.
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