Reflections on life as a male...

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Reflection on Life as a Male

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big gazongas.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide, so I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless, so I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big gazongas.

POTFH

The difference between men and women

NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

POTFH

Don't forget this either!

THE RULES OF THE GAME

The Rules

Guys, this point system guide will help you understand how to deal with
women. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make
the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game
is played. Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...........+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1
You leave the toilet seat up...........................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty...... 0
When the toilet paper roll is empty, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..........+5
in the snow...........+8
but return with beer..........-5
and no liners.........-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.............. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing........ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+ 5
You pummel it with a six iron.........................+10
It's her cat........... -40

THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.................. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy......-2
Named Tiffany......... -4
Tiffany is a dancer.................-10
With breast implants.........-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday............0
You buy a card and flowers...........0
You take her out to dinner...........0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team........-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal...........0
The pal is happily married......+1
The pal is single..........-7
He drives a Ferrari........-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)..........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie......+2
You take her to a movie she likes.........+4
You take her to a movie you hate....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop 3.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans......-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.......-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly and exercise to get rid of
it.........+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts........-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one, too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.........-10
You reply, "Where?"..........-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt that does it".....-100
Any other response.............-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression...........0
You listen, for over 30 minutes............+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..........+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what
do you think I should do?".........-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV..............+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.............-200

And remember... The shelf life of a positive point is about half a
second.
The shelf life of a negative point is approximately twice as long as a
man's life span.

POTFH

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me!

I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes.

Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong!

And another thing -- guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie. . .???"

His wife says calmly, "The undertaker."

POTFH

: Man's Perfect Breakfast

You're sitting at the breakfast table.

Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.

Your daughter's picture is on the cover of Fortune.

Your mistress' picture is on the cover of Playboy.

Your wife's picture is on the back of the milk carton

POTFH

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM MEN WHO'VE HAD ENOUGH
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whining about your leaving it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the heck is a doily?

Member

POTFH

HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....

1.In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3.You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell
her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8.Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entrée
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a
Relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

• If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make you really are a man.
• If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
• If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, "You be the MAN!!"

The Movie Geek

I just wanted to find out my what my score meant on Rules of the Game....

Reflections on life as a male...

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