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Maddies Wench
Flailing Homosapiens
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Joined: 12 Jun 2003
Posts: 6103
Location: Seeking out the poorer quarters where the ragged people go.
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 Posted: 01/29/04 - 09:01 Post subject: On being supportive...
...when someone you care about is in total denial about his
*weight - we're talking 350 easy for a man who is 5-9
*smoking - chain-type
*activity level- zero unless you count walking to the fridge.
Well, my best friend's brother Trey finally had the John Candy type heart attack that we hoped would never happen but finally did. He's had a massive coronary and had to have quadruple bypass. He's also suffering with the beginning stages of emphezema. Right now, he has 50% heart capacity and is in ICU. She tells me he's not doing well.
He's 40. A wife and two kids.
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msparks
Member
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Joined: 13 Nov 2003
Posts: 3182
Location: Jammin' at the Frim Fram, Frippin' in the Krotz
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Posted: 01/29/04 - 09:16 Post subject:
I hope his insurance premiums are paid. And I hope that no one remarks that, "He was never sick. This comes as a complete surprise and we're shocked at the news."
I don't mean to offend anyone but this guy was trying to kill himself, a slow suicide, if you will.
It's not like this thing just sneaked up on him. I imagine (and hope) that his family and friends attempted to get him to change his lifestyle.
Some people just don't care. It appears he's one of them.
His wife and children need the support. I'd be generous with it.
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MastrBrewr
Saccharomyces cerevisiae
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Joined: 24 Sep 2003
Posts: 6974
Location: outside
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Posted: 01/29/04 - 10:39 Post subject:
| msparks wrote: | I hope his insurance premiums are paid. And I hope that no one remarks that, "He was never sick. This comes as a complete surprise and we're shocked at the news."
I don't mean to offend anyone but this guy was trying to kill himself, a slow suicide, if you will.
It's not like this thing just sneaked up on him. I imagine (and hope) that his family and friends attempted to get him to change his lifestyle.
Some people just don't care. It appears he's one of them.
His wife and children need the support. I'd be generous with it. |
I agree wholeheartedly.
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brie k
Member
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Joined: 15 May 2002
Posts: 5661
Location: where the wild things are
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Posted: 01/29/04 - 11:11 Post subject:
You've described my husband, except for the fact that he does get exercise, in the form of running around the hotel. A few weeks ago he had numbness in his arms and digits... I'm very worried that he's entering heart attack territory, but I don't know what to do about it.
It's hard to talk to people who really need to make changes in their habits. Since I smoke, I don't have a leg to stand on there. But I did come from a weight of 170 when Jake was born, to my new 130 pound self, so if I can do all the things I need to do and still find the time to hit the mill or the bowflex, I find it hard to sympathize with someone who just won't do what it takes to be a little bit healthier. When hubby tells me he's so fat, I just don't know what to say, KWIM? I was so sensitive about my weight issue, so I get that. But like I said, I have worked to do what makes me feel better about myself.
I think there is a huge difference in supporting someone and agreeing with what they are doing. My father doesn't agree with all the choices I've made, but he is my greatest supporter, knowing that this is my life, and only I can live it. I say support your friend and his family. Some people just don't realize they have the power to make changes in their circumstances, and maybe it's these people who need us most.
I feel bad for him and his family. Tough stuff.
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jrjo
Gone Fishin
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Joined: 15 May 2002
Posts: 16451
Location: Lake Wobegon, MN
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Posted: 01/29/04 - 11:25 Post subject:
You have described my FIL, minus the smoking (currently).
I have found the only realistic approach is to be an example. Simply keep your own nose to the grindstone, train, look good, feel good and when the opportunies come up, talk about it.
You know, my FIL, in the 17-yrs I've known him hasn't seen me run. He's always chided me with his self-described motto of, "no pain, no pain". He has always said his near only pleasure in life is eating.
Ya know what? This week he got a membership to the fitness center I go to. I found out about it from my MIL. I prompted him zero, but I take a smidgen of credit amongst others that know him and never ride him about his lifestyle but continue to be examples of what an active, fit person can do in this world and all the fun they have.
It may or may not happen that you can crack a tough case like this, but the only behavior you can control is your own.
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msparks
Member
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Location: Jammin' at the Frim Fram, Frippin' in the Krotz
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Posted: 01/29/04 - 11:32 Post subject:
| brie k wrote: | | You've described my husband, except for the fact that he does get exercise, in the form of running around the hotel. A few weeks ago he had numbness in his arms and digits... I'm very worried that he's entering heart attack territory, but I don't know what to do about it. |
For some reason, the picture I have of your hubby's "running around the hotel" doesn't have him in clothing made for the exercise. Yes, it may be exercise but it's surely not the kind that he needs.
Numbness in the extremities? Isn't it about time for a trip to see Mr. Doctorperson?
| brie k wrote: | | When hubby tells me he's so fat, I just don't know what to say... |
Well, you could be frank with him (or Brie, whichever feels better) and agree. The next move should be his. You can't make the decision for him. That doesn't mean you can't - and shouldn't - have a say in the matter. How about something like, "No, honey. You're not fat. You're obese. And if you don't do something about it, you'll make me a widow and the children fatherless." Sure, it's harsh. Extreme situations call for extreme measures. And this appears to be a case calling for professional assistance. You know, "...before starting this program, consult your doctor."
| brie k wrote: | | Some people just don't realize they have the power to make changes in their circumstances, and maybe it's these people who need us most. |
Are you one of those people who is capable of making your hubby change his circumstance? There are many ways to approach this situation but you need to ask yourself if the worst approach is more harmful than no approach at all.
Tough? You betchyurass it's tough. You have support all around you.
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ShannonG
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Posted: 01/29/04 - 11:34 Post subject:
Ditto to a lot of good advice already posted. I have had an alcoholic, smoker sibling live with me for the last year (gone at the end of the month woo-hoo) and I had to learn the hard way that his life is not mine and though the choices he makes bother me they are his to make. Being an example is the only thing you can do. Preaching the gospel makes you a condescending SOB and may alienate you from him.
He may be ready to change, now. A first heart attack can do that.
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rolling rock
The Pinball
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Joined: 15 May 2002
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Location: unknown zone
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Posted: 01/29/04 - 11:43 Post subject:
so very sad. we just lost a volunteer firefighter here who was 35 -- same profile as your friend.
he has an intensly long road ahead of him. he will need incredible support both medical and family. he will need to feel some progress, some reinforcement, some feeling that he is on the road to recovery.
our first heart attack scared the living crap outta both of us.(and it was considered mild, no permanent damage, no loss of capacity at all) it was a very low blow and a very long road back. my husband was technically underweight, had quit smoking, and had the first heart attack symptoms while running on the treadmill at age 37 -- so he had the lifestyle down, or so he thought. 
i wish that family patience and strength to overcome the emotional side as well as the physical side of heart disease in a young patient. and yeah, he better make the right moves and he will with the right support.
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brie k
Member
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Joined: 15 May 2002
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Location: where the wild things are
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Posted: 01/29/04 - 12:04 Post subject:
| msparks wrote: | | brie k wrote: | | You've described my husband, except for the fact that he does get exercise, in the form of running around the hotel. A few weeks ago he had numbness in his arms and digits... I'm very worried that he's entering heart attack territory, but I don't know what to do about it. |
For some reason, the picture I have of your hubby's "running around the hotel" doesn't have him in clothing made for the exercise. Yes, it may be exercise but it's surely not the kind that he needs.
Numbness in the extremities? Isn't it about time for a trip to see Mr. Doctorperson?
| brie k wrote: | | When hubby tells me he's so fat, I just don't know what to say... |
Well, you could be frank with him (or Brie, whichever feels better) and agree. The next move should be his. You can't make the decision for him. That doesn't mean you can't - and shouldn't - have a say in the matter. How about something like, "No, honey. You're not fat. You're obese. And if you don't do something about it, you'll make me a widow and the children fatherless." Sure, it's harsh. Extreme situations call for extreme measures. And this appears to be a case calling for professional assistance. You know, "...before starting this program, consult your doctor."
| brie k wrote: | | Some people just don't realize they have the power to make changes in their circumstances, and maybe it's these people who need us most. |
Are you one of those people who is capable of making your hubby change his circumstance? There are many ways to approach this situation but you need to ask yourself if the worst approach is more harmful than no approach at all.
Tough? You betchyurass it's tough. You have support all around you. |
I know. Sitting here and watching him get bigger and bigger is not a good thing. He's gained so much weight, it started when we were separated back in 95, and no change except that he packs on more and more. I honestly don't know what he weighs, but he's thicker than thick in the middle.
Yes, he needs to go to a doctor. The last time he went was just for strep, the immediate care center, and that had to be 4 years ago. Has never had a checkup though in the almost 13 years we've been together. I tell him he needs to go, and esp. after the numb episode, but he won't. Doc will tell him to lose weight, quit smoking, start exercising, and he doesn't want to hear that.
When we got the Bowflex, he was really good about using it for about a month. Hour-long sessions, really doing it, but then work got in the way and he quit. There are days he works 12-18 hours, so naturally he is tired. And yes, working is not exercise, not to the level he needs anyway.
The next time he tells me he is fat, maybe I'll suggest he get on the bowflex again. I just cannot bring myself to tell him that he's obsese. You cannot nag a person to healthy, just like when I quit smoking for those almost 5 years, it didn't make him want to quit.
He is often saying that he longs for the relief that death brings... maybe he really does. 
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