New and Improved: "Southern Style" Horoscopes
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andydp
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Joined: 23 Sep 2003
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Location: Upstate NY near Albany
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 Posted: 09/09/04 - 08:51 Post subject: New and Improved: "Southern Style" Horoscopes
Southerner Horoscopes
Southerns are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:
Okra (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
Chitlin (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Boll Weevil (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
Moon Pie (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.
Possum (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
Crawfish (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
Collards (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
Catfish (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
Grits (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
Boiled Peanuts (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
Butter Bean (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
Armadillo (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
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MastrBrewr
Saccharomyces cerevisiae
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Joined: 24 Sep 2003
Posts: 6974
Location: outside
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 08:55 Post subject:
I'm a Moon Pie.
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mickeyvw98
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Joined: 03 Jun 2004
Posts: 2010
Location: Upstate NY
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 08:56 Post subject:
I'm Grits 
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gretriever
Hipster Doofus
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Joined: 16 Jul 2003
Posts: 19384
Location: A moving target in a firing range.
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 09:14 Post subject:
I'se be catfish. And yes, I do stay away from thems Moon Pies.
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Pug
The Movie Geek
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 09:19 Post subject:
Boll Weevil baby!
the hell is a boll weevil?
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andydp
Member
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Location: Upstate NY near Albany
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 09:25 Post subject:
'Jes a plain ol' collard green for me.
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MechEngDropout
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Joined: 27 Jun 2003
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 10:02 Post subject:
I'm a possum.
"One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over." 
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AlaninTX
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Joined: 14 May 2002
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 10:23 Post subject:
| andydp wrote: | | 'Jes a plain ol' collard green for me. |
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JACKED UP
PRESIDENT
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Joined: 06 Jun 2003
Posts: 21238
Location: www.johnnydu.com
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 10:28 Post subject:
| Pug wrote: | Boll Weevil baby!
the hell is a boll weevil? |
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jrjo
Gone Fishin
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Joined: 15 May 2002
Posts: 16450
Location: Lake Wobegon, MN
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 11:15 Post subject:
I am a mighty Okra!
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andydp
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Location: Upstate NY near Albany
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 11:43 Post subject:
| JACKED UP wrote: | | Pug wrote: | Boll Weevil baby!
the hell is a boll weevil? |
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Sheesh, don't they teach anything in schools these days ? The Boll Weevil was almost singlehandedly responsible for changes in the types of crops grown in the Southern US. In fact there is a statue thanking the Boll Weevil in Alabama (I think Montgomery)
Addendum/Errata:
Enterprise, AL - Boll Weevil Monument:
The offical story is that a bad swarm of boll weevils came and destroyed the cotton crop one year and the towns people decided to grow other crops and thus avoid another economic disaster.
The better story is that in 1919 they were building the new main street in Enterprise and had the road all torn up, and were putting in a Statue of Lady Liberty or some other overdone statuary. Local folks got tired of answering the same question all the time, "Whatcha gonna put there?" One wit started saying it would be a monument to the boll weevil, and some traveling salesman got told this and went back to Montgomery and told a newspaper editor that this little hick town was putting up a monument to a boll weevil. So they did a big write-up, and of course the town couldn't back down, so they but up a nice monument to the boll weevil. The bronze plaque reads, "In profound appreciation of the Boll Weevil and what it has done as the herald of prosperity, this monument is erected by the citizens of Enterprise -- December 11, 1919.
++++++++++End of Errata/Addendum +++++++++++++++=
One of major threats to successful cotton harvests in Central America, Mexico and a number of states in southern and southwestern U.S. is the dreaded boll weevil.
This pest lays its eggs inside the unripe cotton boll, and the young weevils then eat their way out.
By the late 19th and early 20th centuries, the boll weevil was causing billion dollar devastations in America's cotton crops.
This invasion inspired the following traditional song, whose precise origin is shrouded in the mists of the past. Poet and bard Carl Sandberg performed this version of the song in the 1920s.
Upon reading the lyrics, one can easily understand the urgent need for pest control.
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The first time I saw little Weevil
He was on the Western Plain.
Next time I saw the Weevil
he was riding a Memphis train.
He was looking for a home, just looking for a home.
When the Farmer saw those Boll Weevils
They were in his rocking chair.
The next time they were in his corn field
and they had all their family there,
Just fixing up a home, yes, fixing up a home.
The Boll Weevil say to the Farmer,
"You can ride in that Ford machine,
But when I get through with your cotton
you can't buy gasoline,
You won't have no home, won't have no home."
The Merchant said to the Farmer,
"Well, what do you think of that?
If you'll get rid of the Weevil
I'll give you a brand new Stetson hat.
He's looking for a home, just looking for a home."
The Farmer took little Weevil
And put him in Paris Green.
The Weevil said to the Farmer,
"It's the best I've ever seen.
I'm goin' to have a home, a happy home."
The Farmer took the Boll Weevil
And put him in a frying pan.
Weevil said to the Farmer,
"It's mighty warm, but I'll stand it like a man.
This will be my home, yes, this will be my home."
The Weevil grabbed the Farmer
And throwed him in the sand
Put on the Farmer's overcoat
and stood up like a natural man.
Said, "I'm going to have a home, a happy home."
The Farmer said to the Merchant,
"I need some meat and meal."
"Get away from here you son of a gun,
you got Boll Weevils in your field.
Going to get your home, going to get your home."
The Farmer said to the Merchant,
"I didn't make but one bale,
But before I let you have that one
I'll suffer and die in jail.
I'll have a home, I'll have a home!"
Well, the Merchant got half the cotton,
The Boll Weevils got the rest.
Didn't leave the poor Farmer's wife
but one old cotton dress,
And it's full of holes, all full of holes.
Last edited by andydp on 09/09/04 - 11:57; edited 1 time in total
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cherylpf
crazy cat lady
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 11:47 Post subject: Re: New and Improved: "Southern Style" Horoscopes
I'm an unattractive moon pie, just lookin for my R.C. cola in life.
I knew there was a reason I have cats
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andydp
Member
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 11:49 Post subject: Re: New and Improved: "Southern Style" Horoscopes
| cherylpf wrote: | I'm an unattractive moon pie, just lookin for my R.C. cola in life.
I knew there was a reason I have cats |
That's the ultimate Redneck Meal: A six Pack of RC Cola and a Moon Pie
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gretriever
Hipster Doofus
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Joined: 16 Jul 2003
Posts: 19384
Location: A moving target in a firing range.
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 11:52 Post subject:
| Pug wrote: | Boll Weevil baby!
the hell is a boll weevil? |
There were two boll weevils in a cotton field in Alabama. One day they got to talking about what they should do with their lives.
One decided he was going to leave the cotton field. So he did. He went out on his own, wound up in Hollywood, and became a famous celebrity.
The other one stayed in the cotton field and pretty much did nothing.
He was known as the lesser of two weevils.
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cherylpf
crazy cat lady
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Posted: 09/09/04 - 11:53 Post subject:
You know, I find Chitlins, boll weevils and possums to be a lot less attractive than Moon Pies. Maybe thats just a personal bias....
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