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thegman
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Joined: 23 Sep 2002
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Location: 12 yards out.
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 Posted: 10/17/03 - 15:49 Post subject: Need some advice from the wimmins here.
One of the legal assistants who works with me was about 20 weeks pregnant, and just this week lost her baby.  We've worked together for almost 5 years, so I know her fairly well from a coworker standpoint.
I'd like to do something for her, but I don't know what to do. Sending a card or flowers seemed really stupid.
Any ideas?
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blue
your favorite weapon
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 15:53 Post subject:
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airehead
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 15:54 Post subject:
I've never lost a baby, but my sister lost 2. I think flowers and a card are a fabulous gesture. It helps her realize that others understand the depth and reality of her loss. Time off, if she wants it, would be good too.
I think that letting her know that you care and are hurting with her are the most important things to do.
If they have a memorial service--go. I think your gut instinct of flowers/plant and a card are terrific.
You are a very compassionate man. I know this must be difficult for you.
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elkid
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 15:55 Post subject:
A card or flowers is never stupid - always thoughtful. You may want to put a simple note in the card stating that you are there for her should she need anything. Offer to pick up some of her work slack to give her some extra space, if you can. Aren't you the boss? Maybe give her an extra week off to be alone with her adn her spouse's thoughts and feelings. Statements like "I know what you're going through", even if you've been in an identical situation, are not always helpful and often unwelcomed. Don't give her The Look of Pity (as in, "oh, you poor thing you") every time you see her. Don't prod her to talk about it if she chooses not to. Just let her know that you're her friend, you support her, and you're there for her should she need anything. When she needs a friend, she'll seek you out.
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Pebbles
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 15:57 Post subject: Re: Need some advice from the wimmins here.
| thegman wrote: | One of the legal assistants who works with me was about 20 weeks pregnant, and just this week lost her baby. We've worked together for almost 5 years, so I know her fairly well from a coworker standpoint.
I'd like to do something for her, but I don't know what to do. Sending a card or flowers seemed really stupid.
Any ideas? |
If you are Catholic or they are, a mass in memory of the baby..if not, donation to a favorite charity in memory. Also if she or her family need any help at home, or bring over a meal, to help.
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Maddies Wench
Flailing Homosapiens
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Location: Seeking out the poorer quarters where the ragged people go.
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 15:57 Post subject: Re: Need some advice from the wimmins here.
| thegman wrote: | One of the legal assistants who works with me was about 20 weeks pregnant, and just this week lost her baby. We've worked together for almost 5 years, so I know her fairly well from a coworker standpoint.
I'd like to do something for her, but I don't know what to do. Sending a card or flowers seemed really stupid.
Any ideas? |
None, other than what the other folks said. The only other advice is to make sure you don't avoid the topic either...let her talk.
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brie k
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 16:08 Post subject:
I've had 2 miscarriages. Flowers & a nice card are always a good idea, but like elkid said, stay away from telling her you know how she feels, or anything remotely resembling that. Also don't go all God on her either. I work with women who've miscarried, and I don't know how many times someone blows off steam because someone said that their baby was "with God" now. Be that as it may, most of us who have miscarried would prefer our babies remained here. The long and short of it is that there are precious few things you can say that will be good, but a zillion things you can say that will be bad. (No one ever intends to hurt someone in this situation, and I know you would not, but it's just that when people don't know what to say, instead of saying nothing, they say something that will be taken the wrong way, or that is inappropriate, that's all.)
It is rough stuff, to be sure. Just let her know that you are there for her, anytime, just to listen, to let her cry on your shoulder, whatever.
Also, keep in mind that she will be going through postpartum depression (likely, anyway) and not have a baby on top of it. She may be very sensitive, mean, a real headcase for a little bit or for a long time. It's hard not to take it personally, but try if she is distant or whatever. If you are able to encourage her to let it out, to talk, to mourn for as long as she needs to (it could be days or weeks or months or beyond), do.
One more thing: I've been volunteering on the Miscarriage board (now pregnancy loss) at iVillage for years now, and if you could pass along to her the link to the board or even my email, that would be great. It's hard to get through this when you don't have people who can help you get through it, people who have never been there.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psmc and skramer2@carolina.rr.com
I think it's very sweet that you want to do something. What a good friend you are.
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Sahara
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 16:17 Post subject:
From experience, a card and/or flowers is a very nice gesture. Keep the message simple. I appreciated "I'm sorry for your loss", or "thinking of you and your family/husband" type of messages.
On a side note, there is a physical component to her loss too (it's not just emotional). Her body will need to recover just as though she just had a baby. Keep that in mind if she's not back at work quickly. Emotional recovery can take months especially with a loss at 20 weeks.
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thegman
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Location: 12 yards out.
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 23:43 Post subject:
Thanks for the input, everyone. I made arrangements to have some flowers delivered on Saturday with a card to read "Let me know if I can do anything for you."
I talked to her husband yesterday and let him know that she can take as much time off as she needs. I found out today from one of the other legal assistants that this is actually her second miscarriage.
Sad stuff all the way around.
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TimRuns
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Posted: 10/17/03 - 23:59 Post subject:
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Noley
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Posted: 10/18/03 - 04:09 Post subject:
Wow. Such a sad case.
You did the right thing to send the flowers and call her husband. This is going to be very tough on her for the next few weeks/months as she goes through all the stages.
As pointed out already, she's going to go through everything a woman goes through when having a baby and not bring a baby home. So, it's going to take time for her to get back to her normal state (if she ever really does). You were so smart to give her time off to recover. Face it, her body had gone through half a pregnancy. This kind of support is going to make a huge difference on her. She will already understand the level of concern and care you have for her and her situation.
Good luck. You are so great to care so much!
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copteacher
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Posted: 10/18/03 - 07:35 Post subject:
A sympathy card and flowers.
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shelee
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Posted: 10/18/03 - 09:52 Post subject:
a sympathy card. she will be mourning her loss. when i miscarried, i appreciated people, friends, and family recognizing that loss and trying to comfort me. I'm so sorry to hear of her loss.
Shelly
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