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andydp
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Joined: 23 Sep 2003
Posts: 8122
Location: Upstate NY near Albany
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 Posted: 10/13/04 - 16:58 Post subject: More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: A tribute
Just got a few more Rodney D quotes. Again, if you know any more post them. Sorry he left us but his memory will live on.
A Compilation of Rodney Dangerfield
"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion.
He said, 'OK, you're ugly too.' I tell ya, I don't get no respect."
"I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself."
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she
told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a
bartender."
"Last week, I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide.' He told
me from now on I have to pay in advance."
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met.”
“A girl phoned me the other day and said ‘Come on over, there's nobody home.’
I went over. Nobody was home.”
“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being
ridiculous?everyone hasn't met me yet.”
“Life is just a bowl of pits.”
“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me, and no one showed up.”
“I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play
with.”
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in
it.”
“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact,
I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
“If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.”
“My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.”
“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee.
Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!”
“My uncle's dying wish? He wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric
chair.”
“During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.”
“It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to
go to the bathroom.”
“I was such an ugly kid...when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”
“I'm so ugly...my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
“When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.’”
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
“I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up?what’s wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.’”
“I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”
“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
“Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
“My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.”
“I tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the
homeless, and I donate money to the topless.”
“My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.”
“Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.”
“Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.”
“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, ‘Look, twins!’”
“I asked the cab driver, ‘Where can I get some action?’ He took me over to my house.”
“I knew my cousin was strange from high school. While I was dissecting
frogs he was opening up flies.”
“My old man, he was dumb too. He worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.”
“One time I got a college girl. She majored in business and psychology. For a $100 she'd blow your mind.”
“Smart kid I got. The other day I told him about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher.”
“With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, ‘How can I get my kite in
the air?’ He told me to run off a cliff.”
“A hooker once told me she had a headache.”
“I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, ‘No, one drag is
enough.’”
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west.”
“I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.”
“I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a ‘cross your thighs’ bra.”
“I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to
find that it was the hair on her legs.”
“The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.”
“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor, so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said ‘On your mark...’”
“I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”
“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown
necktie.”
“I was so ugly... my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”
“I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.”
“I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat.”
“I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.”
“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass.”
“My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his
arms.”
“My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits.”
“My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her
boyfriend.”
“My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually
she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself
laugh.”
“My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as
she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, 'Did you see the guy that did it?' She said, 'No, but I got the license plate.'”
“On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year, one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.”
“One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't
ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.”
“One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt
up my wife!"
“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.”
“What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm.”
“When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”
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