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thecatspajamas
kooky dame
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Joined: 15 Mar 2005
Posts: 141
Location: The Back Of The Pack
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 Posted: 03/29/05 - 09:31 Post subject: Married 5 years +, is this true?
Ever since the first few months after me and J were married and learned we weren't the perfect couple we thought we were, couples who have been married for a long time have encouraged us that the first five years are the hardest. That the real communicating and understanding begins once those have passed. Me and J are going on four years June 29. PLEASE tell me this wisdom is true! 
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RangerG
Bounty Hunter
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Joined: 13 Mar 2003
Posts: 7301
Location: Gmail Server Number 126
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 09:33 Post subject: Re: Married 5 years +, is this true?
| thecatspajamas wrote: | | Ever since the first few months after me and J were married and learned we weren't the perfect couple we thought we were, couples who have been married for a long time have encouraged us that the first five years are the hardest. That the real communicating and understanding begins once those have passed. Me and J are going on four years June 29. PLEASE tell me this wisdom is true! |
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purple hayes
Frightened Inmate #2
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Joined: 14 May 2002
Posts: 14462
Location: ON YOUR LEFT!
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 09:33 Post subject:
The first 5 years were CAKE! It's the next 5 that were a big challenge.
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JUJR
Grunt
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Joined: 20 Feb 2005
Posts: 1970
Location: www.johnnydu.com
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 09:36 Post subject:
| purple hayes wrote: | | The first 5 years were CAKE! It's the next 5 that were a big challenge. |
ain't that the truth
I'm going on lucky #13 this year 
it hasn't gotten better for me yet...I of course, have no trouble communicating my wants / needs / desires.....
HE on the other hand............... 
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MastrBrewr
Saccharomyces cerevisiae
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Joined: 24 Sep 2003
Posts: 6974
Location: outside
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 09:38 Post subject:
Just more ammo for me to rationalize NOT getting married. Hey Ang, got a sec? 
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Dancer
Member
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Joined: 21 Nov 2002
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 09:40 Post subject:
This year will be 12 years for me. I don't recall the first 5 were hard. But we don't have kids and I think that makes it a little easier. I was talking to my hubby this weekend and we were saying how a marriage is alot of work. It's harder to keep up the communication and keep the fire lit than it is to let it falter and give up on it.
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Cappy
Excelent
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Joined: 16 May 2002
Posts: 27368
Location: Spreadsheetylvania
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 09:44 Post subject:
It will 12 years for us this year. Like most couples we hit some speedbumps, but we have been on cruise control for quite awhile now
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j1miller
Puppy Love!
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Joined: 07 Jul 2002
Posts: 15447
Location: Lost on trail.
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 10:00 Post subject:
| purple hayes wrote: | | The first 5 years were CAKE! It's the next 5 that were a big challenge. |
BIG FAT 
HONEY, IT NEVER GETS EASIER.
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Noley
AZhat
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Joined: 16 Aug 2003
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 10:03 Post subject: Re: Married 5 years +, is this true?
| thecatspajamas wrote: | | Ever since the first few months after me and J were married and learned we weren't the perfect couple we thought we were, couples who have been married for a long time have encouraged us that the first five years are the hardest. That the real communicating and understanding begins once those have passed. Me and J are going on four years June 29. PLEASE tell me this wisdom is true! |
Their wisdom is wrong.
The first years are hard, yes. It doesn't take getting through the first 5 years or "the seven year stretch" to pass hard times or difficult marriages. The communication doesn't just click on like that. Nor do having children do this either. Take it from me. If you are having marital problems and are running on the hopes that you'll get through...or one day things will just get better...or it's just getting through another year...or it's just having a child and another child and another child...it's just going to take a move and another move...etc. then you're on a long frustrating road.
I went on these hopes that things would just work out and it was just a phase to get through.
My recommendation:
1) Seek intervention through counseling (whether it be by a professional or spiritual leader).
2) Learn to be open and put things on the table. Don't sweep them under the table and go on the hopes that it goes away. The scraps are still there and it actually starts to rot...rot your soul.
3) Find sessions for couples to strengthen your unity.
4) Never have children if you think it'll make your bond better. They just add to the stress.
Believe me, my divorce probably could have been prevented if I didn't get to that "too late" stage a few years ago. I was unhappy from the get go and things never got resolved. I just left a 13.5 marriage.
I hope this doesn't dishearten you, but I think those people are wrong. They must have good marriages to say it takes five years to find happiness. I think it takes five years to find that comfort zone and it happens for some because they communicate and have the skills to make it work. Otherwise they're just putting up with it like I was and are complacent.
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JACKED UP
PRESIDENT
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Joined: 06 Jun 2003
Posts: 21238
Location: www.johnnydu.com
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 10:06 Post subject:
 Married 20 years here and every damn one a challenge. But each for a different reason. I like to mix it up, keep him guessing. 
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MechEngDropout
Member
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Joined: 27 Jun 2003
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Location: Off the grid
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 10:08 Post subject:
| JACKED UP wrote: | | Married 20 years here and every damn one a challenge. But each for a different reason. I like to mix it up, keep him guessing. |
I'll bet you had one heck of an Easter egg hunt.
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Noley
AZhat
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Joined: 16 Aug 2003
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 10:10 Post subject:
One more thing. If you have a gut feeling and doubt that things are going to change for you and your spouse...GET THAT HELP ASAP! Your intution is telling you something and you need to listen to it.
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wanttorun100
Member
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Joined: 14 Feb 2005
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Location: Just to the right of Atilla the Hun!
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 10:11 Post subject:
Who says it's supposed to be easy?
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DCRunningDiva
Look at me!!! ©
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Joined: 10 Oct 2003
Posts: 9344
Location: Washington DC Metro
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 10:14 Post subject:
I agree with the recommendations from Nole! I'll be married for 7 years in April and they haven't been all that hard. However, my husband and I continue to work on our marriage together. We read books about keeping a marriage strong, we attend seminars about it, etc. Always work on your marriage because it is the most important relationship you will ever have on this earth.
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Gogirlgo
Member
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Joined: 25 Jul 2002
Posts: 4777
Location: No deal, stalker.
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Posted: 03/29/05 - 10:15 Post subject:
At their 25th anniversary party, my uncle toasted my aunt by saying "The first 25 years are the hardest."
I think there's no timetable that makes it suddenly easier or harder. The stress of life can complicate marriage and you never know when that's going to impact the marriage. Children can complicate it, money matters can also complicate it, jobs can complicate it, never seeing each other can complicate it. People who have these issues and say they have no trouble may genuinely have no trouble, or they may not want the same things out of marriage that you do.
My advice is to not listen to people who spin some old folktale about time frames. Different strokes for different folks.
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