IT is Sunday Night and time to clean out my mailbox!

POTFH

Reflections

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all

of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is

better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be

selfish and worry about my liver. "

> by Jack Handy

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the

morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

> Frank Sinatra

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"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with

his fools."

> Ernest Hemingway

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

> Henny Youngman

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

> Stephen Wright

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we

fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

> Brian O'Rourke

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

> Benjamin Franklin

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is

beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the

wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

> Dave Barry

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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!

> "Unknown"

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Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory

to

his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as

fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural

selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of

the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest

members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the

slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills

brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells

first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain

cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why

you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Just A Little Something To Help Lift Your Spirit

I'm passing this along to you, because it's definitely working for me.

I think I have found inner peace.

I recently read an article that said the best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started..

So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, Box of candy a fifth of wine, a small box of peppermint candy, 2 cases of beer and I slapped the living poop out of someone I have never liked.

I feel better already.

*I think it may be time for a colorful metaphor!*
111111111

The Woman's Survival Kit

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the PURPLE one.

The BLUE one reduces bloating.

You can eat the"BROWN" ones ANYTIME!!

If all symptoms occur at the same time,
Eat the WHOLE BAG!

Sorry. In advance.

Subject: Sorry. In advance.

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but

don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,"Sorry, we don't serve food

in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A

beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this

taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That

sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I

was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe! you," said

Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The

shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm

positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is

there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a

look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks

his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?,

Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are

too high."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in

the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your

kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks

the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a

glove."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f!sh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says

"dam"

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you

drive"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Tommy, what is the matter?"

Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

> Subject: News Article

>

> I had to refrain from laughing too much on this one. Although I didnt

> agree on #74; I was one of the few that liked Emeril's sitcom (probably

> because I dont watch his Food Network show).

>

> >-]

>

> The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business

> http://www.business2.com/articles/mag/0,1640,38604,00.html

>

> Examples:

> 20. The Gartner Group issues trading cards featuring its analysts.

> 56. Half.com places advertisements on the slips of paper inside fortune

> cookies at Chinese restaurants. Confusion ensues when some customers

> mistakenly believe that the advertisements, which offer $5 off a purchase

> at Half.com, actually entitle them to $5 off their dinner check.

THE GYNECOLOGIST

A Gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of
being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening
classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical
exam approached, the Gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the
exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there was an error that needs adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was
worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is
also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say," I gave you an extra 50%
because you did all of it through the muffler."

The one below was courtesy of Cappy!

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . .
We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . .
And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

Subject: Chicago

..First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy new one. If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin-O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period.

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).

If asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental.

The Congress expressway (Ike) is our daily version of NASCAR. The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, It's Taste of Chicago. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, It's opening day at Sox Park. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open
Golf Classic is in the second round.

If you go to the Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to park "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

Ahhh, Chicago, there's no place like it!

Have a great week everyone

Mr. Green

Eric
http://home.att.net/~Oencan

http://home.att.net/~Tweety96

http://home.att.net/~butterfly302

Excelent

Member

Adjunct

I love the brain cell argument. I wonder when I will here that for a DUI stop

Oompa Loofah

OMGosh!

Can you believe these people?! This was on FB's 101 list!

63. Bottling the Stench of Death and Calling It Perfume: Philip Morris also attempts to counter antismoking measures in the Czech Republic by commissioning an economic analysis of the "indirect positive effects" of early deaths -- savings on health care, pensions, welfare, and housing for the elderly. The company later apologizes.

IT is Sunday Night and time to clean out my mailbox!

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