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Floridaboiler
POTFH
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Joined: 18 May 2002
Posts: 11322
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
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 Posted: 09/03/03 - 21:48 Post subject: Help, (sorry this is a depressing one)
How do I explain to Jason about the concept of death?
Our next door neighbor had their 2 year old daughter die over the weekend. The few details that we have been able to glean are that Holly got a hold of a rubber ball of some sort and choked on it on Saturday. We found out on Sunday night when our neighbors best friend came over and told me the news.
He plays with the 2 other daughters that are 1 year and 3 years older than he is.
We have told what happened and that Holly has gone to see God and tried to explain it but he seems to think that Holly will come back and he doesn't understand why we won't let him go over to see if the other girls want to play. We aren't letting him over since we arent sure if the girls are ready for that. My fear is that he will go over and ask where Holly is.
This really sucks. The funeral is tomorrow and my wife found somone to watch the kids so she is going to go to the service. I don't think I will be able to get off work so I can't make it. Luckily they have a lot of local family but I don't know how else to let them know that we are available if they need anything. We did send some flowers at least.
To give you some background on Holly:
Holly was a special needs baby that according to the doctors, shouldn't have even made it to birth (her twin brother died in-utero(sp??) and then for the first 3 months or so she was in ICU (I think). The weird thing is that according to all the genetic test she should have been perfectly normal. The doctors were baffled. She had gotten to the point where she was walking etc but you could tell something wasn't right and she did have to still be feed some sort of special diet. I never asked what was happening with her, it never seemed like the thing to ask so I am sorry I can't tell you anymore about her.
Everytime Chris brings this up she gets depressed since she gets scared that it could happen to Kaylee also.
Sorry about the buzz-kill topic.
Thanks for you time.
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cherylpf
crazy cat lady
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Joined: 14 May 2002
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Posted: 09/03/03 - 21:50 Post subject:
  Wow....
You sound like a good neighbor, FB, good luck and hang in there. 
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copteacher
Adjunct
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Joined: 08 Jun 2002
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Location: Teaching in the Halls of Justice
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Posted: 09/03/03 - 22:03 Post subject:
that is quite traumatic especially since the child seemed to be other wise heatlthy.
Simple. She went to be with God. We will see her again when we die. It is a good segue to keeping things out of their mouths too.
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monk25
Member
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Joined: 25 Jun 2002
Posts: 3922
Location: The Beautiful South Shore of L.I. NY
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Posted: 09/03/03 - 22:16 Post subject:
That is just an awful story. Being a daddy myself, I now understand why my mother was always such a nervous wreck. I worry about everything (and pray a lot), when it comes to my kids. I just went through the toy box and removed every object that might be a choking hazard.
I don't know how old your son is, but my little brother was 8 and I was 10 when our dad died. My mom explained that our daddy was in heaven with God, and he was always with us, even if we couldn't see him.
I still believe that.
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keltic63
the kilted one
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Joined: 17 May 2002
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Posted: 09/03/03 - 22:23 Post subject:
| rtpd113 wrote: | | Simple. She went to be with God. We will see her again when we die. |
yes, and repeat it whenever he asks. can you also explain to him that asking the girls parents or sister might make them feel very sad? if he can keep that question to himself while they play together it may help. on the other hand, innocent questions from children may help the family work through their grief.
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Noley
AZhat
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Joined: 16 Aug 2003
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Posted: 09/03/03 - 23:26 Post subject:
I am so sorry to hear this news. I think other's have given you some great advice and I hope your family can get through this too. It takes great strength to cope in situations like this and be strong for your own child. I will be praying for everyone.
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coachmarkos
my boys could swim
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Joined: 14 May 2002
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Location: 1st in AFC West
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Posted: 09/03/03 - 23:45 Post subject:
FB,
you've been given some great advice here.
Death is a hard one to deal with. 4 years ago, my grandmother passed away on thanksgiving morning, and we got the call on the way to the family thanksgiving. Called Mom on her cell phone and she said to come see her at the retirement home. So we go, Taylor is 4 Cameron is not quite two, and there is their great grandma...dead.
I didn't know that she was still there. We went to console my Mom and her sisters, and they were still in the room with the body. So, I guess my kids got introduced to this pretty early. Cam don't remember, but Taylor does. They seem to be pretty healthy about the whole thing.
Your situation though, is so much different. Sounds like you did good.
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TimRuns
Member
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Joined: 11 May 2003
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Location: Coquitlam, British Columbia
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Posted: 09/04/03 - 01:08 Post subject:
| cherylpf wrote: | Wow....
You sound like a good neighbor, FB, good luck and hang in there. |
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brie k
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Joined: 15 May 2002
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Location: where the wild things are
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Posted: 09/04/03 - 06:50 Post subject:
Death really is a hard thing for parents to explain, I've had to go through this 3 times with our kids already as 3 close family members have died in the past handful of years. I think you just keep it simple, and I agree with mentioning that we shouldn't talk about it much with the neighbors since it might hurt. But as was said, sometimes it's good to be able to talk about it. Hard to know which way to swing on that count.
You just do the best that you can, and that's all you can do.
What to do for the neighbor: make dinner for them since they probably don't feel like cooking (or breathing for that matter), and just be there for them. Basically let their behavior be your guide. It sounds like you are a good neighbor/friend to them, so I am sure you will do whatever you can.
Above all else, never say that you know how they feel. People are always saying things like that, because of the silence we sometimes encounter with those people going through terrible things, and people sometimes feel they must say something. YOU probably would not go there, but it's worth mentioning.
I think it's very sweet that you posted about this. I'm praying for this family and for yours as well.
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Cappy
Excelent
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Joined: 16 May 2002
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Location: Spreadsheetylvania
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Posted: 09/04/03 - 06:57 Post subject:
I think rtpd said it about as best as I could.
and Brie suggestion about making dinner is a good one too.
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rolling rock
The Pinball
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Joined: 15 May 2002
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Location: unknown zone
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Posted: 09/04/03 - 07:14 Post subject:
so sorry eric. what a tough situation.
i'd tell him what rtpd said; that she went to heaven and no, we won't see her again. if he is only two, i'm sure the family will expect him to ask questions and bring Holly up for months to come (if not your son, their own two daughters). I believe this will help them heal; it's not like they're not thinking of her always anyway...kids will naturally ask their innocent questions and any attempt to stifle this in him might really backfire and have him pummeling them and you with his curiousity....
brie has a good suggestion about practically helping out around their house for the next couple weeks. maybe see if any other neighbor has got something going on for them like a meal list or chore list that is being shared by the community or church.
it is a blessing that they have family nearby.
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kattzoo
Member
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Joined: 28 Feb 2003
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Posted: 09/04/03 - 07:40 Post subject:
That's very tough and very sad FB. I think you've gotten some great advice here. I hope your son deals with this okay.
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flarunner
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Joined: 30 May 2002
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Posted: 09/04/03 - 09:06 Post subject:
I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice except to say that that is so sad.
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Pebbles
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Joined: 21 May 2002
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Location: Bedrock
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Posted: 09/04/03 - 09:16 Post subject:
So sorry FB, lots of prayers for your neighbors...
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purple hayes
Frightened Inmate #2
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Joined: 14 May 2002
Posts: 14462
Location: ON YOUR LEFT!
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Posted: 09/04/03 - 09:19 Post subject:
| brie k wrote: | | What to do for the neighbor: make dinner for them since they probably don't feel like cooking (or breathing for that matter), and just be there for them. |
Coming from someone that's been on the receiving end of such a gesture more than once; that's about the nicest thing anyone can do. It's really a great outreach to show that you care and are concerned.
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