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Ms. Jenn
Fresh, Hot & Wild
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Joined: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 7935
Location: Suite 550
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 Posted: 08/12/04 - 21:00 Post subject: Friendship and Helplessness
Two years ago we moved to Oklahoma to be closer to my family. For the most part it has been a good move for everyone. Except my best friend.
About a week ago he found out his wife has breast cancer. About a year ago they lost a good friend of theirs to breast cancer. Obviously they are both very scared and hurting a great deal.
Today was her first chemo treatment and he called me to talk about it. I wasn't around. Fortunately, we caught up a little this evening. I feel like my ear isn't good enough. I know they both need a good hug. Someone to cook. Someone to pick up the dry cleaning and take Grandma to the hairdresser.
I want so desperately to be that someone and I can't. I feel so helpless and like I've failed him as a friend.
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rolling rock
The Pinball
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Joined: 15 May 2002
Posts: 16218
Location: unknown zone
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Posted: 08/12/04 - 21:17 Post subject:
i know a bit about helplessness and cancer and friendship -- i lived right across the street and was right there. i still felt helpless, no matter what.
your ear is good enough.
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JACKED UP
PRESIDENT
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Joined: 06 Jun 2003
Posts: 21238
Location: www.johnnydu.com
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Posted: 08/13/04 - 05:14 Post subject:
Just be there for your friend as much as possible. How far away are you from her? I know the feeling, I too have a friend who is battling a return of her cancer. It is a completely helpless feeling.  But I'm able to squeeze her hand and hug her on occassion, that makes me feel better. RR is right though, if you were there you would still feel completely helpless. Do what you can hun, you're just a phone call away. 
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copteacher
Adjunct
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Joined: 08 Jun 2002
Posts: 20588
Location: Teaching in the Halls of Justice
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Posted: 08/13/04 - 07:42 Post subject:
From one who has needed let me give some advice.
Never say if there is anything you need. If you ask me, I will say something very specific, like, I need my grass mowed or something.
I have learned that when offering assistance. Be very specific.
Ask-what could I make you for dinner tomorrow.
Can I watch you dog, water your grass, feed your cat, trim your hedges, etc.
Say, I know you may be busy so, if you want, do you want me to wash some clothes, clean a few rooms.
Because as one who has needed help, I don't know people's availablity and what they want to do. If I know what people could offer, I could know who to call.
The family is likely to be very busy and has to make enough decisions. Make some decisions real easy, like you want pasta or chicken tomorrow night, I have some extra chicken and it will be no trouble at all.
Otherwise, I just call Greg and tell him what I need and he gets it done for me because I could always depend on him to get something done for me whatever it is.
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purple hayes
Frightened Inmate #2
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Joined: 14 May 2002
Posts: 14462
Location: ON YOUR LEFT!
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Posted: 08/13/04 - 07:46 Post subject:
Artie gives good advice. If you do cook them dinner, avoid pasta at all costs. Trust me, they've had all the pasta they can stomach.
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andydp
Member
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Joined: 23 Sep 2003
Posts: 8122
Location: Upstate NY near Albany
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Posted: 08/13/04 - 09:33 Post subject:
Don't wait to be asked. Do what our family has done when these things are announced. Make them a nice dinner with all the fixin's. If you're too far away, then have a nice dinner delivered.
When friends of ours had kids and were coming home from the hospital, I used to make them dinner. Although this was years ago, they still thank me for the thought. When my wife's colleagues are ill, the school they work in sets up a schedule of who will cook dinner and when.
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