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Floridaboiler
POTFH
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Joined: 18 May 2002
Posts: 11322
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
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 Posted: 10/25/02 - 07:29 Post subject: Friday Fubbies!
Have a great Friday Everyone!
Are you tired of getting those stupid emails saying forward this email on and you will get money back?
Reply to the Sender with this Link:
http://hoaxbusters.ciac.org/
This link proves that all those emails are hoaxes!
---------------------------------------------
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was
the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police
authority has grown in depth, scope, and to a large number of
multi-letter agencies -- CID, OSI, NIS, FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the
"Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black
outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs:
"FATASS" - I feel safer already, don't you?
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Diets & Dying
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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> > CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS SIGN-UP
> BELOW.
> >
> > *Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their
> contents, each
> > course will accept a maximum of 8 participants only
> >
> > Topic 1 -. How to Fill up the Ice Cube Trays
> > Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
> >
> > Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do they grow on the Holders?
> Round
> > Table Discussion.
> >
> > Topic 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate by Lifting the Seat up and
> Avoid
> > Spraying the Floor/walls and Nearby Bathtub?
> > Group Practice.
> >
> > Topic 4 - Fundamental differences Between the Laundry basket
> and the
> > Floor.
> > Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
> >
> > Topic 5 - The After-dinner Dishes and cutlery : Can They
> Levitate And Fly
> > into the Kitchen Sink?
> > Examples on Video.
> >
> > Topic 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your
> Significant Other.
> > Helpline Support and Support Groups
> >
> > Topic 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting with Looking in
> the Right
> > Place Instead of Turning the House Upside down While Screaming.
> > Open Forum.
> >
> > Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful to
> Your
> > Health.
> > Graphics and AudioTape.
> >
> > Topic 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions when lost.
> > Real Life Testimonials.
> >
> > Topic 10 - Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She
> Parallel
> > Parks. Driving Simulation.
> >
> > Topic 11 - Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother
> and Wife.
> > Online Class and Role-Playing.
> >
> > Topic 12 - How to Be the Ideal Shopping Companion:
> > Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
> >
> > Topic 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering
> Birthdays,
> > Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling when you're
> going to Be
> > Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
> Offered
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during
a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that
can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
again. Happily for most concerned, this time IT WORKED!
_____
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a
finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
_____
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
_____
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare
to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff
that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
_____
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
_____
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your
daughter is pregnant!!"
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by
having sex with a boy.
The doctor turned to the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Why
aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Ma'am, of course I am paying attention. It's just that the last
time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they would show up again and help us figure out who got your
daughter pregnant!"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Three strangers at a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, are
awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through
from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch-hand on his way to Fort Worth for
a stock show. The third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived
at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East. To pass the time they
strike up a
conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their
diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout
radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke
leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his
big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows
tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes. Finally, the
Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once, my
people were many, now we are few". The Muslim raises an eyebrow and
leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are
many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Texan shifts the toothpick to one
side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
>Subject: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH
> I don't think
> I should have to answer that question.
> *
> AL GORE
> I invented the chicken. I invented the road.
> Therefore, the chicken crossing the road
> represented the application of these two different
> functions of government in a new,
> reinvented way designed to bring greater services
> to the American people.
> *
> RALPH NADER
> The chicken's habitat on the original side
> of the road had been polluted by
> unchecked industrialist greed.
> The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat
> on the other side of the road because
> it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
> *
> PAT BUCHANAN
> To steal a job from a decent,
> hardworking American.
> *
> RUSH LIMBAUGH
> I don't know why the chicken crossed the road,
> but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the
road,
> and I'll bet someone out there is already
> forming a support group to help
> chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome.
> Can you believe this?
> How much more of this can real Americans take?
> Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars,
> and when I say tax dollars,
> I'm talking about your money,
> money the government took from you
> to build roads for chickens to cross.
> *
> MARTHA STEWART
> If the chicken crossed the road on my property,
> I would be fully justified in blocking its exit
> until the local authorities could arrive
> to arrest it for trespassing.
> I am a private person and should not
> have to be subjected to the
> "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.
> *
> JERRY FALWELL
> Because the chicken was gay!
> Isn't it obvious?
> Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face?
> The chicken was going to the"other side.
> "That's what "they" call it - the
> "other side."
> Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
> And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
> I say we boycott all chickens until
> we sort out this abomination that
> the liberal media whitewashes with
> seemingly harmless phrases like
> "the other side."
> *
> DR. SEUSS
> Did the chicken cross the road?
> Did he cross it with a toad?
> Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
> But why it crossed,
> I've not been told!
> *
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY
> To die. In the rain. Alone.
> *
> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
> I envision a world where all chickens
> will be free to cross roads without having
> their motives called into question.
> *
> GRANDPA
> In my day,
> we didn't ask why the chicken crossed The road.
> Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
> and that was good enough for us.
> *
> BARBARA WALTERS
> Isn't that interesting?
> In a few moments we will be listening
> to the chicken tell, for the first time,
> the heartwarming story of how it overcame
> a serious case of molting and went on
> to accomplish its lifelong dream of
> "crossing the road"
> *
> JOHN LENNON
> Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
> *
> ARISTOTLE
> It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> *
> KARL MARX
> It was a historical inevitability.
> *
> SADDAM HUSSEIN
> This was an unprovoked act
> of rebellion and we were quite
> justified in dropping
> 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> *
> VOLTAIRE
> I may not agree with what the chicken did,
> but I will defend to the death
> its right to do it.
> *
> RONALD REAGAN
> What chicken?
> *
>
> KEN STARR
> I intend to prove that the chicken
> crossed the road at the
> behest of the President of the United States of America
> in an effort to distract law enforcement officials
> and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing
> our highest elected
> official has been trying to cover up.
> As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in
> the president's ongoing and
> elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine
> the rule of law.
> For that reason,
> my staff intends to offer the chicken
> unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully
> with our investigation.
> Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted
> to reach the other side of the road
> until our investigation and any
Congressional
> follow-up investigations have been
completed.
> *
> CAPTAIN KIRK
> To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> *
> FOX MULDER
> You saw it cross the road with your own eyes!
> How Many more chickens
> have to cross before you believe it?
> *
> FREUD
> The fact that you are at all
> concerned that the chicken
> crossed the road reveals
> your underlying sexual insecurity.
> *
> BILL GATES
> I have just released eChicken 2003,
> which will not only cross
> roads, but will lay eggs,
> file your important documents,
> and balance your checkbook---
> and Internet Explorer is an
> inextricable part of eChicken.
> *
> EINSTEIN
> Did the chicken really cross the road or
> did the road move beneath the chicken?
> *
> BILL CLINTON
> I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
> What Do you mean by chicken?
> Could you define chicken please?
> *
> LOUIS FARRAKHAN
> The road, you will see, represents the black man.
> The chicken crossed the
> "black man"
> in order to Trample him and keep him down.
> *
> THE BIBLE
> And God came down from the heavens,
> and He said Unto the chicken,
> "Thou shalt cross the road"
> And the chicken crossed the road,
> and there was much rejoicing.
> *
> COLONEL SANDERS
> I missed one?
>
The Governors of Alabama, South carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, Missouri and Mississippi
announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a
small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and the governors now have the sad task of reporting the emergence of a new race:
Islamabubbas.
So far, only smatterings of actual births have been reported but Pat Robertson's Christian
Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off.
To date, the Coalition has identified the following offspring:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes
they all seem
to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and
Yomamma Bin Lovin
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