Blatant Post Padding Time!

POTFH

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for
several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend
of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to
stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears -
a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from
his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that -
the Czech was in the male?!

POTFH

What a great attitude!!!...

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is
fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair
fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though
she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away,
making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the
nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was
ready.

As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had
been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old
having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.

Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the
furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind.

I already decided to love it "It's a decision I make every
morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the
day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of
my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be
thankful for the ones that do?

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus
on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ...
just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account: you withdraw from what
you've put in?

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness
in the bank account of memories.

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am
still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

POTFH

Profound statement for Sir Charles!

"You know the world is off tilt, when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest basketball player is Chinese, and
Germany doesn't want to go to war."

-Charles Barkley

POTFH

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh poop," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
cat and farted.

Member

I got nothing.

except an increase in post count

Member

POTFH

London.

The train was very crowded, so the sailor walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was
directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman and was being used by her little dog. The war weary sailor asked, "Please,
ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the sailor, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my Little "Fifi" is using that seat?"

The sailor walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit
there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.

Imagine! The sailor didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked
up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat
down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked, and railed, and demanded that someone defend her, and chastise the sailor.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the
wrong "bish" out the window."

God bless the English!

POTFH

POTFH

The bunny and the snake

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both
were
blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake for a loop.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,
since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same
as
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my
mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you
are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
all
over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have
really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd
say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth
and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd
say
you must be French."

my boys could swim

just joining in the padding.

POTFH

Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the poop out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, &can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how

many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

POTFH

EXERCISE ----- It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

POTFH

One of my favorites!

As the War against terrorism continues, many of us will encounter "Peace
Activists" who will try to convince us that we must refrain from
retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001.
These activists may be alone or in a gathering. Most of us do not know how
to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their
rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a
conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people
who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will
probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to
humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the
nose.

3. When the person gets up off the ground, they will be very angry and they
may try to hit you so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings
about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell
them if they are committed to nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks,
they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they
must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are
correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much
harder - square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2 - 5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot
realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.

POTFH

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country.
France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter

While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
was asked this question:
"Could you tell us why to date at least the Administration doesn't favor
direct talks with the North Korean government? After all, we're talking
with the French."
The Secretary smiled and replied:
"I'm not going there!"

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together
in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went
through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in
the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise
and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the
tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had
happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been
slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have
kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss
me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the
Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes
through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French
bastage again.'

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more
stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't
know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,
people."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out
of France!"
---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

REPLACEMENTS FOR THE
FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

POTFH

THE FLAT FROG

There was a little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. The madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have! sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I"m not leaving until I do." The madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the madam said no. He said, " I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S who I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go to the first room on the right. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door. The madam stopped him and ! asked "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaraunt to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When mom and Dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mom will have sex and mom will catch it.

In the morning when dad goes to work, the milk man will deliver the milk. He'll have a quickie with mom and catch the disease,

and HE'S the son-of-a-bish who ran over my frog!"

Blatant Post Padding Time!

LIFEFORM SOCIAL COMMUNITY NETWORK