|
|
Floridaboiler
POTFH
|
|
|
Joined: 18 May 2002
Posts: 11322
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
|
| Back to top
|
|
 Posted: 10/30/02 - 17:20 Post subject: All my Halloween Fubbies!
Some of these were posted on the Bizarro Riff Raff earlier today so sorry for the repost but I Thought everyone would like to see them.
A professor at the University of Arkansas is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further, have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have s@x with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sh!t..... From way back there I thought you said "goats."
Halloween
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted
husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled
by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after
sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still
early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know
what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her
husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party
and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and
being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as
far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered
a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of
the cars and had a good time. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped
away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what
kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up
reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh,
the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're
not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...
Just in time for Halloween!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was just walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down at the sheets at his feet, the drunk replied:
"I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost!"
Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music? A. Wrap!!!!!
Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Q. What's a monster's favorite bean? A. A human bean.
Q. Why can't the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A. A sand-witch.
Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.
Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire? A. You suck.
Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat? A.Ghoul
Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar? A. For the Boos.
Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? A. He was all bite and no bark.
Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? A. He didn't have a haunting license.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? A. He had no body to dance with.
Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A. At the casketeria.
Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A. He is mist.
Q. Where did the goblin throw the football? A. Over the ghoul line.
Q. Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat. A. Because of the coffin.
Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater? A. Because he is always a goblin.
Q. What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A. A toasty ghosty.
Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? Q. He heard it had great circulation.
Q. What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? A. Whipped scream.
Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day? A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets? A. Dead ends
Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday? A. Fangsgiving
Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A. Mas-scare-a.
Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road? A. To go to the body shop.
Q. What happens when two vampires meet? A. It was love at first bite!
Q. Who was the most famous ghost detective? A. Sherlock Moans.
Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married? A. Newlywebbed
Q. What is a ghosts favorite place on the web? A. www.halloween.com!
Q. Who was the most famous witch detective? A. Warlock Holmes
Q. What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop? A. Scream or sugar!
Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A. Sherlock Bones.
Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton? A. Napoleon bone-apart
Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York? A. The Vampire State Building.
Q. Where do most werewolves live? A. In howllywood, California
Q. Where do most goblins live? A. in North and South Scarolina.
Q. Where does a ghost refuel his porche? A. At a ghastly station.
Q. Why did the skeleton go disco dancing? A. to see the boogy man.
Q. What do witches use in their hair? A. scare-spray
Q. What do you call a little monsters parents A. mummy and deady
Q. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A. sour-puss
Q. How do you scare a mummy A. with a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy.
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet? A. blood-thirsty hacker baby
Q. What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a skwaush? A. a squashed pumpkin pie.
Q. Why do ghosts shiver and moan? A. It's drafty under that sheet.
Q. What instrument do skeleton play? A: Trom-BONE.
Q. What do ghosts eat for breakfast? A. Boo-Berries.
Q. What is a vampires favorite place on the web? A. www.halloween.com!
Q: Why did't the skeleton cross the road? A: He had no guts.
Q. Why do vampires scare people? A. They are bored to death!
Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? A. Every night he turns into a bat.
Q. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? A. It's a pain in the neck.
Q. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A. All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
Q. What songs does Dracula hate? A. "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders.
Q. What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? A. Ok, that's a wrap.
Q. How does a girl vampire flirt? A. She bats her eyes.
Q. What is a vampires least favorite food? A.Steak
Q. What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A. A grave problem.
Q. Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? A. He has a bat temper.
Q. Why did Dracula go to the dentist? A. He had a fang-ache.
Q. Why are vampires like false teeth? A. They all come out at night.
Q. Who does Dracula get letters from? A. His fang club.
Q. What kind of key does a skeleton use? A. A skeleton key.
Q. What kind of gum do ghosts chew? A. Boo Boo Gum.
Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? A. To stop his coffin.
Q. Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes? A. Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.
Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? A. Give him screws.
Q. What can't you give the headless horseman? A. A headache.
Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business? A. He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q. What is a ghosts favorite sale? A. A white sale.
Q. What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A. A boo-tie.
Q. What's a ghosts favorite desert? A. Boo-berry pie.
Q. What type of dog does every vampire have? A. Bloodhound!
Q. What's a monsters favorite desert? A. I-Scream!!
Q. 1ST PERSON: KOCK,KOCK 2ND PERSON: WHO'S THERE 1ST PERSON: PHILLIP 2ND PERSON: PHILLIP WHO ? 1ST PERSON: ÊFILL UP MY BAG WITH CANDY !!! 2ND PERSON: HA,HA,HA (LOL) Q. Why do girl ghosts go on diets? A. So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Q. When does a ghost have breakfast? A. In the moaning.
Q. What do ghosts drink at breakfast? A. Coffee with scream and sugar.
Q. Where does a ghost go on vacation? A. Mali-boo.
Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.
Q. Where did the ghost get it's hair done? A: At the boo-ty shop.
Q. Riddle: the maker does not want, it the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? A. a coffin.
Q. What do they teach in witching school? A. Spelling.
Q. Why does a witch ride a broom? A. Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.
Q. What do you call a witch's garage? A. A broom closet.
Q. What do you call two witches living together? A. Broommates.
Q. Why don't mummies take vacations? A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q. What is a witch's favorite subject in school? A. Spelling
Q: Why can't Boy Ghosts make babies?? A: Because they have Hollow-Weenies!
Q. Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street? A. He was dying to get to the other side!!
Q. Where do ghosts go out? A. Where they can get boooooo-ze.
Q. Where do ghosts go out? A. Where they can get sheet-faced.
Q.ÊWhat did the mother ghostÊsay to her kids in the car? A. FastenÊyour sheet belts.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie? A. He didn't have the guts.
Q. What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad? A. Ground him
Q. Why was the mummy so tense? A. Because he was all wound up.
Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A. Because he had bat breath.
Q. Why don't ghost have bands? A. They get booooooooooed.
Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.
Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins? A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.
Q. What did the bird say on Halloween? A. Trick or tweet!
Q. Why do skeletons drink milk? A. To help their bones!
Q. What's a Vampire's least favourate song? A. Another one bites the dust!
Q. What is a Skeleton's favorite song. A. Bad to the Bone
Q. Whats a ghost's favorate type of car? A. A boo-ick
Q. Where do ghost go for fun? A. To the boo-vies
Q. What's a skeletons favorite part of the house? A. the living room
Q. What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Haloween? A. Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.
Q. What do u get when theres a witch in the desert? A. You get a sandwich.
W. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? A.it raises their spirits.
Q. Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights? A. He's all bone & no muscle.
Q. What is a vamire's favorite fruit? A: A necktarine
Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating? A. Bone appetite
Q. What do gosts call there girl friends? A. There goul friends.
Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? A. So long sucker!
Q. What did the goblin say to the witch? A. I don't know you tell me!
Q. Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? A. Becuse he had no body to go with.
Q. What is a ghost's favorite band? A. The Boos Brothers
Q. What did Dracula have for dessert? A. Whine & Ice scream
Q. What is Dracula's favorite restaraunt? A. Murder King
Q. What is a Ghost's favorite food? A. HamBoogers
Q. What is in a ghost's nose? A. Boogers
Q. What was the mummies' vacation like? A. Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.
Q: What did tha boy ghost say to the girl ghost? A: You are the most booooooooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!
Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? A. Because people are dying to get in.
Q. What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A. A pumpkin patch!!!
Q. Where do vampires keep their money? A: The blood bank!!!
Q. Who are some of the were-wolves cousins? A. The what-wolves and when-wolves.
Q. What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? A. They suck! (or they bite!)
http://www.luvin.com/funone/monster
|
